Have You Forgotten?

I am proud to be an American! I will never forget…no American will ever forget September the 11th. We will remember those who died in honor, the countless lives lost and the way our nation changed forever. Thank you to those military members past and present who continue to protect our country. FREEDOM is NEVER FREE!

Summer break!

So there are plenty of times that I think about blogging but the pure exhaustion from busy days spent at the pool and active kiddos puts blogging on the back burner. Truthfully I'm not complaining, the days have been longer, busier but so much FUN! So with that I am taking a summer break from blogging...I am going to enjoy what's left of summer break with my kids, family and the best friends a chick can have. Our summer has been amazing and we are celebrating every chance we can and simply living in the moment.

Quick update:

Kai is swimming without floats and doing awesome. Thankfully my girl friend Brandee has over frequently for pool days and Kai has had plenty of opportunity to swim. His greatest accomplishment is jumping off the diving board into the deep end...his ear to ear grin goggle face was priceless! He is RAD!

Kai & Beau at the Aquarium and West Gate

Beau is doing fantastic, he is as healthy as can be and asking to go back to school. He spends his days on the computer at starfall.com or counting, his favorite number is 7 or some days 10, but nonetheless he is a continuing sponge. He has begun to hit again and his aggression with his brothers has peaked, but then again this is his first time being surrounded by the two of them in long extended periods of time. I am hoping once again it's just a small phase and we continue to work on curving the behavior!

Cash is pretty healthy for him (knocking on wood). He has doctor appointments pretty much weekly sometimes even twice and an active therapy schedule. Cash had a barium swallow today which never happened due to his refusal to participate. At this point we are looking towards having a g-tube placed. Cash's appetite hasn't increased enough and continual night feeds are needed. Overall he is happy, healthy as he can be and WILD! However, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!

ME well what can I say...I am loving the summer! I turned 31 earlier this month and had a great time celebrating with great friends. I look forward to what the year may have in store, 30 turned out to be an amazing year and the rumor has it you only get better with age! My free time is spent being engrossed in damn sitcoms (Hung, The Gates and True Blood) and my new blogging obsession Tumblr. Hope everyone is enjoying lives little moments as much as I am!

It's been a year...

Drowning and lost in thought I find myself here...with an urgency to write or was it more of a need. A year ago I began to feel a little lost, the words no longer freely flowed and I avoided sharing anything. It may have been a defense mechanism or my fear of rejection or the harsh reality of facing the truth. That the life I once so hoped for and worked so hard to keep afloat was sinking faster than I could abandoned ship.

The boys and I moved to my parents a year ago and within that year we have all struggled. I was broken, devastated and beyond lost. Thousands of questions truly haunted me daily. How could something that once felt so right be so unfamiliar and unforgiving? How could I squeeze myself in the boys into a house smaller than the one we inhabited and not drive my only support system crazy? We literally left with the clothes on our back, within time we would pack up a suitcase with each visit back to the place we once called home. A year later we have over taken the parents house.

In a year I have learned how to forgive. I am no longer angry, sometimes I still may be sad but never angry. I realized in a year that I am stronger than I thought I would ever be and FREE. I am free to be me. In a year I have struggled, I have had to change my habits, my thoughts and all I could do was welcome the change; resisting it would provide nothing for me. I truly can say that I now love the life I live and that is purely for the change of sight and for people in it.

My children are my rock, without them I would have been lost. It's Cash's calling of "mom" each morning that brightens my day. Beau's kisses, his gentle demeanor and amazing manners that remind me that I'm doing something right. Kai's verbage and personality that remind me what it's like to be a kid, and that I have an awesome one! With three little souls I rediscovered my world, found my heart and enjoy the life I have.

My parents are remarkable. I love my dad like many girls do, he is my everything. I probably don't tell him enough, but I have never been so in awe by an individual. I drive him absolutely crazy for my endless search of finding a guy like him, truthfully I know there is no one in the world like him. The greatest gift my dad ever gave me was loving my mother the way he does. Can't blame a girl for wanting to be loved, he just set the standard a little to high. My mother is beautiful, hardworking and forgiving, what's not to love about that? Sometimes I think she forgets these things or that I so admire these traits within her that I want to be just like her. Throughout this year there were many of times where I simply wanted to give up; luckily I haven't! While I have forgiven I know she hasn't forgotten, I love her strength and determination to keep me strong when I needed it the most. I can never thank you both enough for loving us all!

I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Some of them reside minutes from the home I have struggled this year to get over. When I left Buckeye not only did I leave my home, but I left the comfort of the life I loved. Moving back home to Glendale, proved to be challenging. I got swept up into crowds that I never wanted to be apart of as I searched to find just where I belonged. In those searches I reconnected with "old" friends and found the greatest of joys. Friends come and go and this year I learned that lesson once again but welcomed the ones who opened new doors.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends actually listen to what you say. Best Friends lesson to what you don't.

BFF'S

Brandee and I

Shawn (guys and gals can be just friends)

Truly I feel lucky to be blessed the way I have. I truthfully feel that many of us are blessed, but fail to see the blessings before us. I can only say that the past year has given me another chance at a little thing we call life. My life is full and I thank those who have helped me along the way! My heart is full!

Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.

Wired up!

Cash underwent a 24 hour Holter monitor due to his recent hospitalization. Cash was unbelievable well behaved and such a good little man when the monitor was attached. As far as keep the leads attached will that was another story! Cash can not hang onto any lead for any length of time, the poor kid had a pound of tape added to his chest by the time the 24 hours was up!

Overall, Cash is happy, playful and a handful. His heart rate still continues to be lower than normal, but no where near the extremely low levels it reached last weekend. Cash will now follow up with a Cardiologist, who has sent us a home with a portable heart monitor to capture any further episodes he may have. Cash's condition CCHS is known to have cardiac issues and his Cardiologist brought up the issue of cardiac pacing with Cash. So we wait for Holter results, have a portable machine at home for 30 days and will encourage cardiac pacing in Cash's future so he can continue to leas a happy and playful life. Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers for Cash and our family!

LOVE

"To her the name of father was another name for love" ~ Fanny Fern

I have truthfully been blessed to have an opinionated, hardworking, dedicated man that has loved me to the best of his ability. He is my LOVE my HERO, he is my father. As a daughter I love my DAD like no other, at 30 I still claim to be a daddy's girl. I have always hoped that I would find a man that was a proud man like my dad.

A man that would challenge me to the best of my ability. A man who loved me even when I failed, because that is when I need the love the most. A man who would do everything in his power to protect me even if that meant hurting me in the process. A man who would teach me things I would never forget.

I am blessed, I say this often and believe it more than it's ever even spoken. My dad is my HERO for many more reasons than will ever meet the eye. He protects, provides and comforts not only myself but my babies. He has taken the boys and I under his roof and has gone above and beyond to make us feel wanted and loved. Truthfully, not every day, every moment or memory is grand...I after all am my father's daughter. I am stubborn, strong willed and light hearted just like he. But it's in our moments of conflict that I understand and appreciate his character even more...he wants nothing but the best for me. I want nothing but the best for the boys and for myself as well.

This Father's Day, my dad was my hero. Cash was taken by ambulance Saturday for an irregular heartbeat, my dad never left his side. In turn he never left mine. Having a sick child/grandchild is hard, and in those unfamiliar moments heartbreaking. You fear the worst and try so hard to hope, pray and believe in the best. I am one of the toughest yet weakest girl I know and I learned a lot of my strength and pride from my father. So dad I thank you for being all that you are...AMAZING!

Keep Breathing

For those of you who know me, grew up with me or went to school me; have probably seen my many...actually countless post on facebook. I am a self proclaimed optimist, a day dreamer, a go-getter or what I like to classify myself as a free spirit.

Today I was called philosophical. Truthfully I never have thought of myself as such, but it probably makes a lot of damn sense to those on the outside. I haven't always been the glass half full girl and was actually quite the pessimist. I generally prepared myself for the worst...can't remember ever thinking that great things were going to happen to me.

That being said it was in one of those bad moments that I found the beauty of everything that was going to be. It was in numerous moments in the last couple of years where I no longer prepared for the worst but hoped for the best. It was when I learned that I set the course for my life by my attitude. It was in the change of attitude that I opened up, took time out of every day craziness to smell the dairy-air (we lived by a cow farm) and my world as I now know it came around.

They say the truth sets you free...so tonight I honestly say I have more worries than my shoulders can bear. My heart is easily broken, because I feel it with so much HOPE. I cherish each day, but still have anxiety and anger within every day. I have HUGE flaws that I don't work on...because they are ME. But within all my worries, heart break (sometimes it feels so good ~ I love to feel), anxiety and anger I have never felt so in LOVE with LIFE.

I didn't get here alone...my faith, family and friends all helped guide the way...

The most important thing about a problem is not its solution, but the strength we gain in finding the solution.

May you find your strength in your struggles, dream BIG and I hope someday you will be able to live the life you have always imagined. Cause while I imagined something much different than I have now, I learned I have everything a girl could possibly need...FAITH, HOPE & LOVE!

My World

Dearest Kai:

I remember the excitement, the nervous energy and the fear I felt all bundled into a bunch of hope on this day 6 years ago (Tuesday) as I was induced to have my first child, my first son Kai Jackson. The day was tedious with a few unexpected twist that resulted in a long day of delivery, an emergency c-section and the worlds cutest baby I had ever seen.

The day you born family gathered, they prayed, they hoped and waited...oh BOY did we wait. Your delivery turned into an all day/night affair as you were the first little boy and grandchild to be born into our hearts and lives. I will never forget your arrival due to the dynamics of the birth, the sound of the nurse calling your stats over the intercom into the operating room, or the length of time it took before I saw you. However, that first glance and moment you did nothing but shine. My life was forever changed, it was moment you became my world!

You are no longer my baby, you have graduated to a little man. I am proud to be your "Mother", but still dislike the sound of the word. I would be satisfied being your Mama for the rest of my life. You are wise beyond your years, determined and a pure delight. You have a heart of gold and treat those around you kindly. I love your generosity, your wants are many and I hope in time through life you learn you have everything you could possibly need right in front of you. You are surrounded by love and your love for Jesus and your faith will carry you so far.

Thank you for blessing my life, I treasure so many moments of you! You are amazing and don't let anyone ever tell you anything different. Happy Birthday Kai, you are my WORLD!

Love Always,

Mother =)

xoxo