Say what you need to say...

"I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions"

- Doris Day

In the hospital you are told one thing, but actions show another. Repeatedly I have been told Cash's lungs sound good, only for the next Nurse, Dr. or Respiratory Therapist to walk in and tell me just the opposite. It is only a given as to how bad he actually may truly sound once Tobramycin is ordered. They are calling in the big guns (antibiotics) to try and help treat the issues at hand.

The life I live in is day by day, with good intentions I RSVP to BBQ's, parties and functions for the kids. However, my day by day life changes just as quickly as the rising sun. When Cash gets hospitalized everything goes out the door. Our plans are cancelled and we all feel that tinge of missing out.

With that being said, I want to apologize to my friends for being absent on so many occasions. I know heartfully that no apology is needed but I want you all to truly know I miss the times I have been absent. I miss your laughs, the jokes we share and the dumb stories I have for the week. With the apology also comes a Thank You! You all are truly the family I have chosen for the boys and myself. I would be lost with out the memories we have created and empty without your support.

I know at times I am at a loss for words on how to Thank You or on how to describe the way I feel regarding my situation and or life that I have been given. My silence is part of my hurt, cause when am I ever at a loss for words??

The Girls -

Tina, Chelsi, Marissa, I (prego w Cash) & Shannon

Marissa: Thank you for being the one I call when I simply just need to cry. You listen, always ask what you can do without realizing you already did just what I needed; you lent an ear. Your the first one to show up at the door with a shovel in hand ready to bury whoever brought on the tears! (Haha)

Tina: Thank you for checking on us daily, for visiting and talking about LIFE outside of the hospital, and for your HUGS! P.S. I still don't like to be touched, trying to change that! We have grown together and even though I have moved away, I moved into your heart!

Chelsi: You are always funtastic! Thank you for late night ice cream, candies and cocoa/coffee runs. You mean the world to me and the boys...you will forever be our and mine "My Chelsi". Thank you for always encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone and to take a chance...some chances are worth taking!

Shannon: You feel me with laughter, simply because I know I can make you laugh and you easily can have me in tears. I think you for your support and well wishes. Your honesty is pure and appreciated. Thank you for always being around, you are like a comfy, cute pair of heels!

Contact Isolation

Shawn: You are AMAZING! You are truly a great friend, a man that walks beside me and encourages me from near and far. Your belief in me the past few months has been a breath of fresh air. Thank you for reminding me how strong I can be in moments of weakness, Thank you for visiting me in the my Loft (hospital) too many times to count. It's a quarter after one!

My Family: My family gives me wealth beyond measure. They are the solid, supportive and the unconditional love we all desire. I am blessed beyond words with a support system as great as mine. We may be a family tree full of nuts, but we make a great pecan pie! Simply Divine!

I value honesty, compassion, hard work and determination. I am reminded by those closest to me and those within heart to stay strong. My strength comes from my FAITH and the prayers sent our way. I just hope my actions speak LOUDER than any of my words!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;

Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,

And with my song I will praise him.

Psalm 28:7

Ding...Ding...Ding

Ding...ding...ding...

The constant sound of the alarms of the hospital consume my thoughts. I can't think clearly as the ding kills a few brain cells. Over and over, every other second...I find myself going crazy. Crazy enough that I sit here and blog about it. Toy Story plays on repeat on the TV, at this point I wish Buzz Lightyear and the Star Commander will save me from the ding!

Cash is resting peacefully, his distaste for his surroundings is evident each time he awakens. He squeaks or musters out a "Maw", each time I roll off of my make shift of a bed and run to his side. I want so badly to snuggle him, to hold his delicate body up against mine like I used to in the NICU. Warm him with my touch, secure him in my arms and feel our hearts beat against one another. I long to hold my child.

While I long to cure, heal and protect Cash...I ache for Beau and Kai. I miss my boys; their laughter, their voices, their screams. I ache for my home. I left Cash this afternoon and retreated home. I sat on the couch and talked to Kai, we chatted about his day, the toys his Papa had bought for him and about what he ate for lunch. I played with his feet, gently rubbing the bottoms of his feet just the way he likes it. I hugged him and breathed in the sweet smell that only Kai seems to have...Its the sweetest smell I have ever smelled and it truly is unique to Kai. A smell of sugar, honey and a touch of musk. I can smell him now.

Beau hid from me at first, I couldn't blame him. In the eyes of my three year old I have abandoned him, just like others have done. I the one person who has remained consistent to him has been gone for a week. My eyes weld up with tears as I approached him, I softly put my arms around his waste and lifted him into my arms. I have missed him and his flirty eyes. He is simply my all. Beau holds my heart in his hands, and tears rolled down my cheek as he gently kissed my lips...I have missed my boy!

The hospital is filled with the sick, the dying and those fighting to heal. Its swarms with healthy ones in search of those they love. The elevators always give you a glimpse into the lives of others. I stare at shoes, wondering where they have walked, always trying to avoid eye contact with others. I feel eyes on me as I exit the elevator on the fourth floor to the sign of the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit...my home away from home. Once inside the doors to the PICU I enter Cash's room, draw the curtain and sink into my make shift bed. I am tired and would so rather be anywhere but here. I look out the window and dream of the sun upon my face. Ding...ding...ding.

The sound of the alarms return, my thoughts suddenly escape me as I realize now that I am rambling about living inside of the hospital just like Frank the mouse that lives within my dreams. I dream of Frank the mouse almost nightly a story building within my dream...he is fast, knows the ends and outs of the floor.

Sweet Dreams Frank!

Fears

I fear things I can’t control.

-Noun

the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command: Who's in control here?

I live in a world where my fear could control me. At times I feel like I have the world at my finger tips. Most times I am swimming in a pool of sharks. Wondering, hoping and ultimately praying that I can come out unbitten let alone alive.

Most of my control issues involve my children, their health, their well being and their happiness. I can only do so much to protect them of our germ infested environment called Earth. Lysol, Bleach and disinfectant has become my friend. Yet, at the same time I have to let the boys be boys. They need to play in the dirt, the mud, the outdoors and most certainly with their friends.

My BIGGEST control issue, is the inability to control my fears. My fears over my feelings, the sights of things that simply just freak me out and the worst of all is not believing in myself. I am a strong woman, at times overly confident, but I still have fears.

I am guarded. I put a foot in and most times pull back and walk two feet back. I fear being hurt, I fear my children being hurt. I have a tough exterior and those who know me best would describe me as a turtle. Slow, steady and comfortable in my shell. Once intimidated I hide, I retreat and walls build even higher than they may already be. At times I feel like I am always running, going through the motions of an ordinary life everyday.

I desperately want to change my fear of control. I want to feel…Lately, I find myself repeating that it’s better to hurt, than to feel nothing at all. I want my boys to feel, not to be smothered by their fearful mother. Some of my fears are ridiculous, like my absolute distaste for crickets. Their hard ugly bodies and chirp send me squirming. My skin crawls with the thought that they even exist…they probably feel the same towards me and the broom I chase after them with. I breathe a little quicker when I see a yellow Med Vac Helicopter, it reminds me of the moment Cash was lifted away from me and ultimately the moment my course of life changed. I am grateful for the ride and care Cash received, but still fear the helicopter and my heart hurts seeing them, or wondering about the pain someone else is experiencing because of their loved one being in one.

We all fear, Thursday I feared being readmitted to the hospital (Cash is back in the PICU at St. Joe's). Where as today I fear my son and his unknown diagnosis, the low body temperature, the way he sweats profusely only from the head. I fear that he has now gone close to 56 hours without taking a bottle…I feared the men in white suits (Infectious Disease Control), who actually weren’t in white suits, but another Dr. dressed in a casual button downed blue shirt and khakis.

“Some people are afraid of what they might find it they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once again the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.” ~Tori Amos

Today I bleed…

Humbling...

The love for my children is never ending. I pride myself on being a good mom. I just never knew that being a mom meant having to endure such heartache for your children. You hurt when they hurt. You so badly would give your very last breath to take away even just an ounce of pain, a feeling of anxiety…you would and try to give them the world. However, the world to a child is a touch, a comforting familiar voice and the constant support of just being there.

On Friday, October 30th my love for my child hurt, hurt more than I have ever hurt before. Cash had a seizure. I fell into a moment of despair, tears filled my eyes as I begged God to answer me why…"Why Cash?" I was angry and so very scared. When was God or someone just going to give me a break, give me a chance just to breathe.

Our home, our comfort zone became a war zone. Firefighters, Paramedics and Police rushed in an out of our door as we all just stood back and continue to watch Cash seize. All I saw was my child go from convulsing to as stiff as a board. Once again, my life with Cash was standing still on a moment. Oh how badly I wanted to just take the pain away, I wanted to be the one laying there on that floor.

Today, we are home and our lives have changed. Cash’s life has changed. My playful, carefree baby is momentarily vent dependent. He has fevers that come on so quick and strong. I hover over his bed, watching him…anticipating a seizure, but HOPING for the BEST! Cash doesn’t want to walk, for when he does he tumbles over, tripping over his new unfound coordination. He is no longer sure of the ground beneath him. He is comforted only by his bed, where he remains.

The past few days brought out anger, love and believe. I was and am still a little angry that Cash can’t get a break. I am angry that my son has to fight, he spends his youth fighting every day! I spend his youth praying, obsessing and begging for him to be able to catch a break. I try to remain positive, I feel negative energy just drags not only me but him down too. I try to remain strong, but I break, tears flow and I the one that hates to be hugged just needs to be held. The hospital is so great to us. In those walls we have been blessed to be apart of some amazing lives. People visit on their lunch breaks, complement me on a job well done and dote over how beautiful Cash is, with his beautiful big brown eyes, and the cutest most beautiful lips known to man. With each fight my Faith guides me to believe, to believe that God is with us and will guide us through.

"I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the LORD your God, am with you in all you do." Joshua 1:9

I am forever grateful and blessed with an excellent support system. My parents help in so many ways, changing work schedules to help with the boys, coming to the hospital to watch Cash so I can shower. My friends visit for a chat, a meal or just a walk away from his room. Those little moments mean the world to me. In my moments of weakness it’s my friends and family who remind me of my strength. At times I can’t fathom as to why I find my life as hectic as it is so beautiful. Then I remember that I was given a gift. Not a gift of a child with special needs, but the gift of being humbled. Through my children, I have learned to appreciate the sighting of the airplane in the sky. The feeling of appreciating the warmth of the sun, I now see a colorful and vibrant world. The colors are remarkable, the smells earthshaking and the sounds are the greatest masterpieces every written.

The love for my children is never ending. I am proud to be a mom and blessed to be the mother of three wonderful little boys! I believe in Miracles, and they are the reason!

Well check...almost

Beau turned 3 earlier this month. He no longer is a chunky little toddler but a thinning handsome little man. His vocabulary is growing just like his hair...fast and furious! Beau has a head full of copper colored tresses that are spiked in every which direction. His locks fit his fiery personality!

Today Beau had his 3 year well check. His anxiety sparked as the Physicians Assistant walked into the room, I absolutely loved her bedside manner. She was extremely patient with Beau and would allow me to calm him as needed. She voiced concerns regarding Beau's weight and height which were once at the 75 percentile and have now dropped in to the 10th percentile. She questioned me regarding his diet and those with children on the spectrum know that diets aren't always the most fabulous for our fantastic children. Towards the end she began to check Beau's reflexes and nothing...over and over again not a movement was made. As she went from the knee to the back of the ankle and onto the elbow. I like a typical mom, with rising anxiety began to make excuses...voicing that he has always been slightly low toned and is receiving OT and PT weekly within the home. She finished her assessment and told me that Dr. Maitra would be with us shortly.

I honestly rolled my eyes, here I was in a tiny office trying to entertain 3 kids who had been waiting as patiently as they knew how. I knew something was coming, but I just wasn't sure as to what. I had a moment of, "why me...why my kids...I'm like a magnet for kid related issues!"

Dr. Maitra walked in and asked if Beau was still taking his iron supplements...Ummm no I switched him to a multi vitamin with Iron. Iron in high doses isn't great, talk about rotting teeth. He explained that he would like to get some blood work done to rule out a couple of things...voiced concerns regarding his reflexes and his coloring. Stating that Beau was "white", obviously doesn't take a medical degree to figure that out! Ok, back on track that he was concerned with Beau and his paleness, I once again nervously joked that Vampires were the "in" thing right now and he was just paler than the rest of us!

My little Edward Cullen

A flu shot, and lab slips later we walked out the door. Like true Tracey style...I threw in the towel and drove the boys to a Pumpkin Patch. It's been a rough month with Kai and Cash battling H1N1, my dad had heart issues and was hospitalized and I wasn't taking 3 already impatient children for a blood draw by myself!

The boys loved the Pumpkin Patch and had the opportunity to play with my girl friend Brandee's son Branson. Auntie Megs, Vince and the kids joined us too. It was exactly what we all needed a break! We lost ourselves in a corn maze, the boys took a train ride and wandered through the pumpkin patch. Cash loved the billy goats, Kai the pigs and Beau the birds (chicken). It was time to go once Kai asked me to count my money to buy the pig and when Beau said he "needed" da bird!

Kai and Branson

Train Ride

Auntie Megs and I

Cash's 1st Pumpkin Patch

Beau, Kai, Tayler, Jayden & Cash

He loved this pumpkin!

Pumpkin Picking...

My Crazy FUN Life!!

Meltdown over da "bird"

I love fall and love sharing the fall with the boys. Arizona is chilly today the temperature dropped 20 degrees already this week. The boys and I ended our FUN-tastic day snuggled up on their bed taking a late afternoon nap!

Change in direction...

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,

but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

~M. Robinson

Change is inevitable, many fear change and a new sense of direction. Our minds get cloudy with painstaking questions if the change is going to be beneficial to our current lives and needs. I simply avoided a change. Yet, change found me laying pool side this summer and came rolling in like the AZ Monsoon's.

My storm of change flattened my home, and left me with fewer possessions than I once had called my own. Yet, that storm brought on a chance for a change in a new direction. The thought of a new direction brought out new anxieties, fears...but also blessed me with a breath of fresh air. A change awaited me leaving me with memories that were merely just moments in time. Moments that I experienced, some worth treasuring and others better off burying.

As time goes by and days pass with each rising moon, I find myself blessed to be hit by a storm of change. The storm might have knocked me down, but I always rose to my feet. Change brings on new stresses but often times alleviates the ones we were already avoiding.

Change has given me laughter, new friendships and has brought me home. That's not to say that change also didn't give me moments of despair, heart ache and the fear of being alone. I embraced this change, searched to fine "me" and with a little help along the way began to believe. Believe in the endless possibilities of dreaming, the finest moments of sharing, the thought of trusting and gave me the gift of embracing anticipation as I await and experience endless possibilities!

My life is now celebrated by small victories, enjoying the moments and tiny steps along the way. I no longer fear change I welcome it because I appreciate what lies at hand and am ever so anxious to see what lies ahead. I have learned to live for those that love me to live for those with whom I love. I am blessed with three little men who run wild and free. Their laughter can change any tense situation, their screeches leave me looking for ear plugs and their small touches melt my heart. It is through these three little men that I clearly see, hear and feel that life is about enjoying the littlest things. Simply put happiness is homemade! I am blessed to be HOME and with my FAMILY!

Cherish your family for they are your treasure.

A story house of riches...wealth beyond measure!

3 Little Men Update:

Kai started Kindergarten and is doing amazing, having a slight issue in writing because he couldn't choose a hand to write with, because he does so well with both...talk about a flexible little man.

Beau started preschool four days a week and continues to receives OT, ST and PT. His language skills are remarkable and we are now enjoying four to five word sentences formations. He is an absolute joy...his smile gets bigger and BiGgEr every day!

Cash, where to begin with Cash. All toddler and feisty as can be, my challenge at the moment. I knew it would come and so looked forward to the day. He is the one that has me searching for ear plugs as he screechs louder than any trached kid I know of...music to a proud mommy's ears!

Cash has battled H1N1 and Kai is down as we speak. So our house has been full of meds and Lysol! In our home pigs really do fly!

My Greatest Gifts

For as long as I can fathom I have wanted to be a mother. Little did I know that this would be the greatest gift ever to be received. I have been blessed with three beautiful little men, unique in their own nature and every bit miraculous to my life.

It is today; Mother's Day that women across the United States are praised for their efforts, dotted on for their ability to love unconditionally and celebrated as the heart of the home.

She is their blanket to warm them on a cold winter night.

She is the food that satisfies their hungry spirit.

She is their shelter from the storm,

their comfort in the times of pain,

their nursemaid to heal all hurts.

She is the wind that lifts them up when they have fallen.

She is encouragement that guides them forward.

She is the love that brought them here.

She is the heart daily praying them through.

She is their Mother.

~Linda LaTourelle

I am a Mother of three gifts from God. I am reminded almost daily of how precious life, when seen through a child's eyes can be. The boys are thankful, giving and loving. All of which I hope they have or may have learned through me. The boys put the twinkle in my eye and the biggest smile in my heart. I am in love, with three beautiful little boys.

I am also so very proud of three little boys. This morning the boys and I headed to the store in need of more Pedialyte for Cash. My poor Cashy-poo is still sick, but I am forever grateful that this Mother's Day we remain hospital free. The boys were very well behaved and a older gentlemen commented on their behavior and told me to keep up the good work. A smile crossed my heart. We left the store this morning hungry and I decided to take the boys for a bagel. As we entered the quiet shop we were greeted by the woman behind the counter, who simple said bless your heart. Her view included Cash on my hip, Beau holding my right hand and Kai at my left side. Upon ordering or chocolate chip muffin and plain toasted bagel, I reached for my debit card when she responded it was on the house - Happy Mother's Day! This time a smile crossed my face and my heart melted. As we finished our breakfast this morning another gentleman stopped by to ask how I did it!?! Questioned, I asked him what he meant? He said your boys are amazingly well behaved. I kidded that I didn't take them out to eat until they were starving. He chuckled and noticed a tear on my cheek. He simply confirmed that it was okay to be proud and I agreed that I always am.

This morning touched my heart and my soul. I may not be the best mom in the world and some of my actions may be questionable, but I'm trying. Trying to teach my boys wrong from right. Trying to teach them to love with their hearts not with their eyes or their ears. Trying to teach them that the smallest things matter and almost always have a bigger impact than we could have imagined. I never in a million years thought that being a mom was so hard. It's gut wrenching, eye opening, scary and rewarding all the same. I just pray that I do my boys right and raise them to be men who love their wives, their children and their families. Like branches on a tree, we may grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one.

I hope everyone had a beautiful Mother's Day. I know that I enjoyed lunch with my mom, who I think is the greatest mom in all of the world, they don't get much better than her. And on that note, I thank all of the important women in my life. Thank you for your guidance, strength and continued encouragement - I may not say thank you enough or in the correct times or manner, but you are all definitely appreciated!