Glorious

Christmas was glorious this year. It was better than I could have ever of dreamed...with the exception of missing my father, who was home sick. Poor Pappa stated how he missed the BEST one yet! And while it was the BEST to date, it's just the beginning. Next year Beau will be more understanding and Cash nearly two. I think greater things will come, but am forever grateful for how great the day was and for the gifts we received.

The day after Christmas was spent hanging out with family and shopping for bargain you just can't live without. And I found mine... A huge did I mention HUGE Lantern that I found at Target clearanced for $17.99 originally $70.00, online $99.00. I am thrilled!!! Curtis' sister got the other one (that I wanted too, I was sharing!), but nonetheless was thrilled at the bargain we found!

My Lantern- isn't it pretty!?! The price was!!!

In all the holidays were close to perfect. The boys love their toys and enjoy having something new to play with. The sounds of new songs, car engines and "wooowwsss" can be heard. It's a blessing.

Cash will turn one on Saturday. This day is a day that many are looking forward too. It shows us just how far we have come and that we beat the odds of the first year. Cash is thriving and wants to walk so badly. He is into everything or at least when he is in his walker cruising the house, running over everyone in sight! I look at Cash's birthday with excitement, yet my heart is heavy. I miss those four months I had to share with him in the hospital. I miss the way our life was so simple before his arrival, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. He is a handsome little man, with a great personality and an eye for trouble (he just turned off the TV as Kai was watching it.) His squeals can be heard now from all over the house, Kai states that he squawks like a bird. But I love that bird sound more than anything in the world.

I promise to post pictures once our lap top returns. Thank you for bearing with me. Just know that I thank you all of you who support and encourage me. I have said it before and will say it again. I believe, I believe in the good, I believe that the tough times make us stronger, I believe that my family is blessed. Most importantly, I believe that God believes in me.

Apology

Our computer has been down and is now at Best Buy under warranty...expected date of return is January 10th. So I apologize in advance for the lack of blogging until our dear friend "Laptop" returns. We have been very blessed this Christmas and I am so grateful to share with all of you below...I have Mimi's computer for the next hour so I gotta type fast :)

Happy Holidays & Happy New Year

Knocks continue...

Knocks continue on the door and words can not express the heartfelt thanks I feel. Kai is enjoying Christmas so much and our motto is, "You have to give and share to receive". I feel that this Christmas has given us so much that we thought we wouldn't have. I will definitely post pictures when we get our laptop back of yet another basket of food, fruit and a card.

Kai is thrilled with how much people give...The boys also have a Santa, thanks to the Thurman Family in Little Elm, TX. Kai and Beau will be blessed with Spike the Dinosaur in the morning.

Cash was given an activity set as well that all three boys heard in the box.

Thank you again to everyone for EVERYTHING!!!

Love you all much! Thank you for granting me a Christmas I will never forget. My heart is so full of love it's over flowing!

A Knock on the Door

Many doors have opened and closed with 2008. My life isn't exactly what I thought or hoped it would be, yet in many ways it has exceeded my wildest dreams. I have made it a point to thank the Lord. I try not to complain and remind myself that everything is fine.

My reality is I look through a door daily, checking on my youngest son and the machines that work diligently to keep him alive day in and day out.. I fear alarms! I am afraid that the alarm sounding may be real and not a false alarm. Its through that door that I see the sweetest dream, my youngest son Cash.

I look through another door and see a wild haired red head...lost. He fights daily to express himself, clearly frustrated with the cards he has been dealt. His fits of rage range daily in intensity, yet only a few seconds later he is quietly sitting next to his sleeping brother patting his head. It's then that I thank God and wished that these moments would last forever.

I then look through yet another door ans see a four year old struggling to understand why his mommy and daddy are no longer together. He hides from his from his brother (Beau) in fear or another bite, having to share his soldiers or simply just searching for his own space. Yet it's with that bite or taking of his beloved soldier that and I love you is usually spoken. It's then that I don't want to close my eyes afraid to miss anything.

My door is wide open, I have little to hide. I am proud of where I have gotten both emotionally and physically. I hurt each day and I am not afraid to admit that...I am human, I struggle and rejoice. I have learned to love like some never well, appreciate the things so many take for granted and most importantly have learned to believe.

Today (Monday) my door bell rang. As I opened the door - stood a gentleman holding gifts. He simply stated that he had packages for Kai, Beau and Cash from Santa. I'm sure at that moment my jaw hit the floor. As he began to hand the gifts through the door he assured me it was okay to take them. As I took the gifts he stated that he had more. He came back with a turkey, ham and the fixings. Tears streamed down my face. I could barely speak the words as I thanked him and asked him who did this for my family...He simply stated, "Santa - Merry Christmas." As I shut the door I collapsed besides it and just cried holding Beau in my lap. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming. All I can do is say Thank You! As a woman, a mother and a friend - Thank You! My tears are from my heart. Somewhere out there is somebody....Somebody that I can't personally thank but from a distance we Thank You!

I am grateful, thankful and sooo touched. I would do anything for anyone and really don't know if I deserve all that we were and have been given. We appreciate it and in time we will return the knock on someones door to return the favor. Thank you again to those who have given to us, helped us and encouraged us. There are never enough words to show my appreciation.

Thank You and Happy Holidays from our family to yours!

Pics Pleassee...

My oldest baby, Kai Jackson loves to have the attention on him 99% of the time. Which I don't mind unless it includes a whine! The other day when taking Cash's birthday (monkey) pictures, he begged to have his taken too. As I opened my email this morning I received a snapfish code for a free 8x10 from Snapfish/Walgreens (code: walfree). So with that we threw on a new top, laid down a white blanket and wetted his head and snapped away...

As Kai would say pics pleassee...we are giving his daddy the 8x10 pic we took today!

Holiday Lessons

As the holidays quickly approach, I realize that this Christmas is unlike one in the past. Money has been tight on us all year and as you feel the need to by gifts for those you love it's then that having little money hurts. They say the season is about giving, and that I have tried to do. It may not be much, but I mailed off one of the boys toys that a Mommy wanted for her daughter. I know what it's like to want for my kids, even though they would have been fine with out my want. It also helped Kai to let go of a toy he never used. Who of course was in love with it the day we boxed it up. We called this his lesson in giving and sharing.

Christmas 2007

Yesterday I boxed up all of Cash's clothes from his NICU days, 90% of them having tags included. I had originally planned to sale them on eBay in hopes of giving us a little spending money. I learned on Sunday morning that Kai's Aunt Nicole, gave birth to a healthy little boy named Noah Steven, who better fitting than to receive the clothes. Nicole always helps me tremendously while Cash is in the PICU. She is a social worker on the PICU floor and always finds the time in her day to make sure we are taken care of. Tears filled my eyes as I reflected on all of the gifts I was given last year in hopes of his healthy delivery. I was just so sad to let the little things go, but grateful that I was too learning the lesson of giving and sharing.

I am grateful to have also received this year. I am appreciative of the little things that have been blessed upon us. Those who have donated old tracheostomy supplies to Cash, o2 nasal cannula's so that he can play of the vent when in need of oxygen. The help we have received from our parents and from the special needs community. Grateful for the help my friends have given me along the way. Chelsi watched the boys endlessly the first part of the year from the kindness of her heart. Marissa freely takes Kai in at school when I am in need. Tina is always close behind asking what she can do to help. Curtis' sister is always a phone call away. It may be an emergency when they are called up, but it's when I need them the most and for that I am grateful for the help I receive.

Last night I wrapped up gifts for the boys many of which were from last year still unopened and in boxes. Beau found a dump truck and "wowww" trickled from his mouth. I smiled and prayed he would do the same Christmas morning. The hard part of the season is not being able to give the gift that the boys "want" the most, and swallowing my pride cause I wanted it for them. This is when you wish that there was a Santa and we would all wake up surprised to find the gift that was wanted. I have tried to tell Kai that Santa is busy this year and that he will definitely get presents even if it is want he really wanted. He says Santa can hear him and that he's trying hard to be really REALLY GOOD!!

Kai & Beau's Christmas "Want"
Fisher-Price Remote Control Spike the Ultra Dinosaur

Here's to believing, hoping and wishing on Santa. Here's to time spent with friends and family during the holiday season. Lastly, here's to learning a lesson that it felt good to give and that the boys and I will by trying it more often.

From our Family to yours...

Cash's Christmas Cards for the Hospitals and his Dr's

Eating rocks for breakfast...

They say a apple a day keeps the doctor away. Which means that I should have been eating more apples instead of a bowl of rocks for breakfast...

This morning I woke up like usual, but knew within a short time it wasn't a normal day. My insides felt like they were ripping apart and I was urinating blood. I did what every child (whether grown or not) would have done and called my Mommy. Mom insisted that it was probably a UTI and to call the Dr. After calling the OB/GYN and being told I needed a referral I called the PCP who is out of the office for the week. With frustration and pain overtaking my every breath. I called Curtis and my mom for opinions. Knowing all a long I was headed to the ER. This was no UTI, and if it was it sure came out of no where and my body was pissed!



After talking to Curtis and mom, I called my dad and Aunt Angela to help with the boys. Within an hour I was headed to the ER with my dad behind the wheel. It was once we pulled up to the ER that I was hit with a brick in the face full of emotions. I had not been at this hospital since leaving there empty handed after having Cash. The ER was located next to the helipad which had my stomach in knots and blood pressure rising. Before the emotions could turn into tears I felt the stab on my right side come back with fury.



After spending close to 4 hours in the hospital, having and IV placed and a CT scan taken...I was told I was passing a kidney stone and had a UTI as well. I was given meds and happily sent on my way home. I sit here typing just wanting all the pressure to go away and know that it well with in time.



Cash was very well cared for by Aunt Angela and Nurse Kristen who rushed to the house after school to help...God I love her!



On another note, that's more exciting than me eating stones for breakfast...Beau has been trying to potty. I started cloth diapering the boys this month. Which has apparently been doing some good, because Beau has been pulling of his diaper to go pee and poo. The bad part is if I don't catch him in time before he pees or poos.



On Sunday, I went to change Beau's diaper ran to get a new one and Cash's alarm sounded. I completely lost track of what I was doing and Beau ran around diaper less. Needless to say my jaw hit the floor as I heard Beau say, "Maa, Beau Beau poo". I looked up to see Beau diaper less and at the top of the stairs. I quickly darted up the stairs and Beau pointed to the bathroom. As I looked inside I found a puddle of pee in front of the potty. I was so excited that I screamed, WOOT WOOT Beau! He shyly smiled from the corner and stemmed in his own happiness.

Later that day I found this...

Needless to say that I think that Beau will not be pleased when he's 15 about these pictures but I was so excited to take them. He has sure come a long way! I am one proud mommy with a smile on my face.

Full of Bananas

Self portrait

Hi Mom! I had a great nap and you are just the person I have been waiting to see, please get me out of this cage thingy that you call a crib. My space is limited and I really like running the house. Everyone is always aware of me and in here they just leave me be...

I so want to go outside and play, it's a beautiful day you see. The sky is blue and I need some clothes. Wait where are my clothes, my mom doesn't lay me down to sleep naked. My pants are dry, so no accident this time...Mom!?!

She has officially lost her mind or as I say has gone bananas. Whoever thought this outfit was cute has lost their minds! Did I mention its kind of stuffy in here...I'd much rather be in the cage. I swear I am going to grow up hating...

Monkeys!!!

Okay so I haven't completely lost my mind like Cash insist. I am just a proud mommy dressing up my little one to make his first birthday invites. It may seem a little over done and unnecessary, but totally worth it. I have had Cash's first birthday theme in my head for some time. Obviously it will be small due to his health and the fact that he is limited on what he can do. But he only turns once and this is my finally baby.

I searched the Internet to late to get a great deal on a Halloween costume. So I went to the good old Nest and begged someone to trade me a costume for something, let me buy one or borrow one for the pictures. I received a response from another mommy in CA she was going to let me borrow her costume, I was over joyed. Silly I know but thrilled. I was even more thrilled when I opened the box this morning and found the cutest monkey costume ever! SO thank thank much Aimee, I will have it in the mail and back to you this weekend!

Here's what today's banana events led too...

I love doing the boys invites, Christmas cards, baby showers you name it...it lets my creative juices flow.

San-tariffic

Today was busy, but awesome!

The boys (Beau and Cash) finally had their Speech Therapy go through and had their first visit bright and early this morning. The appointment was spent once again going over accomplishments, goals and practices to work on with each. There is obvious concern for Beau's lack of speech and follow through. Yet, even more concern with Cash's lack to eat hardly anything and his vast ability to belch, sneeze or puke what he has eaten back out. Suggestions were made and my ears hurt after our very knowledgeable ST was done for the morning.

Along with ST the boys had their EI visit as well. Stacey spent most of the time listening to the Kelly the ST. I quickly apologized for the shotty visit and instructed her that from her on out she would have one of the boys up stairs and Kelly would be down. The morning was hectic and full of energy from all three boys.

Chelsi came over as scheduled at 9:30, I had obviously forgotten to tell her about the appointments this morning. However in all fairness Kelly called late last night to try and squeeze in the boys. I have been waiting on ST for months, so there was no way I was telling her NO!

Chelsi and I made a date to take the boys to see Santa. We figured mid week was the best time to get all three of them in one place with the least amount of people possible. We arrived to the mall right a 1. While standing in line Beau's diaper leaked. Chelsi slightly gasped as she felt the warmth of pee touch her skin. Beau just buried his head into her almost as if he had marked his territory for the day. Standing in line brought many stares as there were three of them and the youngest of them was obviously different. Never before have I felt such beety eyes on myself and Cash. At one point I looked up to find a woman talking to her husband pointing to her throat with both of them staring in our direction. I was so put off guard by the stares that Cash received.

Finally it was our turn...lets just say the boys weren't to thrilled! Kai was tired and there was no way he was talking to that man. Cash who Santa held pulled the beard and cried at the whiteness of the bush around him. I plunked down next to Santa with pee man on my lap, who arched his body away in protest.

So you may be wondering what our picture looks like...with a scanner down I'll do my best to explain. Santa is the only one smiling. Kai is looking at the camera with a look of despair, he couldn't wait to get out of that darn chair. Cash has his have smile, but the tears are coming look. Luckily his eyes were open! I have the can you just take the picture mouth. Beau sitting in my lap is leaning to the far left with tears streaming down his face and his finger in the nose. Gotta love it! Happy Holidays folks!!!

On a little note we got to see my friend Desi and her husband Josh this afternoon at the deli they operate. I love seeing them, they are so welcoming not only to me but the boys. They spoiled us rotten with a great lunch and Kai even got ice cream. He was thrilled! They just finished off an already great day. Josh loves the boys and it's apparent with the attention he gives them so openly. His children will be blessed to have such an attentive daddy...congrats guys. They are10 weeks pregnant!

Sharing my "moment"

It is so awkward when the moments of grieve hit me. I feel so guilty having "pity me" moments, because I know that my situation could be SOOO much worse. This year has been a struggle for me to keep it all together. I love my boys more than live itself, more than breathing. Yet, it's my moment and secret that I watch all of them nightly just to make sure they are breathing. I fear breath, I am terrified that one night one of them may forget to breathe.

Tonight as I sat at home watching my usual ABC shows, is when my stress boiled over to flowing tears. Tonight on Brothers & Sisters they should a little girl in the PICU, I lost it. I am forever grateful for the care that Cash, myself and family have received from the various of hospitals that we have frequented this year. Yet, I never want to step in one ever again. I always have the fear that something, anything can go wrong. I feel so out of control and so so lonely in those moments.

Cash's monitors have been alarming like mad the past few days, for no rhyme or reason. His co2's are elevated and then they level back out. Next it's his o2 alarm. When do the alarms stop? When do I stop talking to alarms, praying and begging for the alarms and machines to be on my side. There are times that I feel like I have lost my mind as I step back and realize that I am talking to a machine.

Cash will be turning one within a month and I am so proud of where we are today. Yet, I am so sad that we are here today. I want Cash to all the opportunities in the world. I blame myself for his condition...it's genetic it came from one of us, probably me. He will always have this, he will struggle with life and his machine (vent, cpap, pacers or what it may be). How can you tell a baby you are sorry, but yet so thankful for what he has given you. I struggle with this daily, through sleepless nights and precious moments. I love not only Cash, but Kai and Beau with all I have.

This may seem like it came from left field and maybe it did. But it's an example of how quickly a thought or an emotion can change the way we look at life. How quickly a mind can pick up the shattered pieces of a heart and go on with life. The holidays either bring out the best or the worse in us. Many of us this year have experienced struggles and yet many of us feel so alone. I know I'm not alone, I just am afraid to share...share that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Share that I am a mom like many of you that would do anything for her beloved children, it's nothing to be inspired by or even looked up too. I struggle to be the best that I can, my expectations are high which just means I fall a little further and harder. Please just keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we make it through the end of the year PICU free.

My LIFE, what's not to love!

I always feel like I have to justify the way I feel. I don't usually dwell on where we are or what we have been through, but I am human and through this process I have hurt, have felt alone and miss my "old" life. Yet, with that said I would never change a thing. I wouldn't be where I am today without the help of my parents, my MIL or my friends. Even in my loneliest moments one of them comes around to help out in some way shape or form.

Christmas Shopping

I just wanted to send a reminder out that the boys have a shopping website set up in their behalf from their Mimi (Curtis' mom). From each sale on the site a percentage of the sales will be given to the boys (funds handled by Mimi), for college or even smaller needs like Beau's Clay Bath.

Please stop by and see if there is anything for your fancy.




GIFTKEEPGIVING.COM

I liked these...for some reason I seem to be drawn to blue :)

Moroccan-Style Star Latern

Blue Burst Cuff Bracelet

Happy Holiday and Happy Shopping. Thank you in advance for any purchase!

oops...Delete

So as I sat here typing trying to update the blog, my 11 month old beauty made his need for computer time known. With a simple touch of the key board my post disappeared and auto save faithfully followed behind...

So here it is quick and to the point...

• Cash has lost almost a pound. We (Dr's) will watch his weight and I pray that he remains where he needs to be on the charts to keep all specialties satisfied

• Cash clapped for the first time yesterday.

• Cash was called a she yesterday.

• Cash had lunch for the first time in public, chocking on a steak fry and scarfing down soda crackers at Red Robin.

• Kai told me he hated me for the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last.

• Beau hasn't gained weight either which has the Developmental Pedi on alert. His eating habits aren't great but were trying. Not to mention we cut back on all the milk...sigh

• Beau is now on iron supplements three times a day due to his recent blood draw.

• Kai will be seeing the Developmental Pedi too. Due to sensory behaviors...he wants a back scratcher for Christmas because he always itches, he takes a cold bath and he too lines up objects. (To avoid negative comments, the DP suggested this not me.)

• Cash has tooth number two (upper) popping through.

• I cloth diapered the boys all day yesterday and loved it.

• Curtis spent Thanksgiving weekend with his mom in Las Vegas and loved it.

Here's to a quick update, thanks to my dirty deleter...named Cash $Money$! Happy Wednesday Folks!