3Boys4Tre

Have You Forgotten?

2010-09-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

I am proud to be an American! I will never forget…no American will ever forget September the 11th. We will remember those who died in honor, the countless lives lost and the way our nation changed forever. Thank you to those military members past and present who continue to protect our country. FREEDOM is NEVER FREE!

Summer break!

2010-07-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

So there are plenty of times that I think about blogging but the pure exhaustion from busy days spent at the pool and active kiddos puts blogging on the back burner. Truthfully I'm not complaining, the days have been longer, busier but so much FUN! So with that I am taking a summer break from blogging...I am going to enjoy what's left of summer break with my kids, family and the best friends a chick can have. Our summer has been amazing and we are celebrating every chance we can and simply living in the moment.

Quick update:

Kai is swimming without floats and doing awesome. Thankfully my girl friend Brandee has over frequently for pool days and Kai has had plenty of opportunity to swim. His greatest accomplishment is jumping off the diving board into the deep end...his ear to ear grin goggle face was priceless! He is RAD!

Kai & Beau at the Aquarium and West Gate

Beau is doing fantastic, he is as healthy as can be and asking to go back to school. He spends his days on the computer at starfall.com or counting, his favorite number is 7 or some days 10, but nonetheless he is a continuing sponge. He has begun to hit again and his aggression with his brothers has peaked, but then again this is his first time being surrounded by the two of them in long extended periods of time. I am hoping once again it's just a small phase and we continue to work on curving the behavior!

Cash is pretty healthy for him (knocking on wood). He has doctor appointments pretty much weekly sometimes even twice and an active therapy schedule. Cash had a barium swallow today which never happened due to his refusal to participate. At this point we are looking towards having a g-tube placed. Cash's appetite hasn't increased enough and continual night feeds are needed. Overall he is happy, healthy as he can be and WILD! However, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!

ME well what can I say...I am loving the summer! I turned 31 earlier this month and had a great time celebrating with great friends. I look forward to what the year may have in store, 30 turned out to be an amazing year and the rumor has it you only get better with age! My free time is spent being engrossed in damn sitcoms (Hung, The Gates and True Blood) and my new blogging obsession Tumblr. Hope everyone is enjoying lives little moments as much as I am!

It's been a year...

2010-07-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

Drowning and lost in thought I find myself here...with an urgency to write or was it more of a need. A year ago I began to feel a little lost, the words no longer freely flowed and I avoided sharing anything. It may have been a defense mechanism or my fear of rejection or the harsh reality of facing the truth. That the life I once so hoped for and worked so hard to keep afloat was sinking faster than I could abandoned ship.

The boys and I moved to my parents a year ago and within that year we have all struggled. I was broken, devastated and beyond lost. Thousands of questions truly haunted me daily. How could something that once felt so right be so unfamiliar and unforgiving? How could I squeeze myself in the boys into a house smaller than the one we inhabited and not drive my only support system crazy? We literally left with the clothes on our back, within time we would pack up a suitcase with each visit back to the place we once called home. A year later we have over taken the parents house.

In a year I have learned how to forgive. I am no longer angry, sometimes I still may be sad but never angry. I realized in a year that I am stronger than I thought I would ever be and FREE. I am free to be me. In a year I have struggled, I have had to change my habits, my thoughts and all I could do was welcome the change; resisting it would provide nothing for me. I truly can say that I now love the life I live and that is purely for the change of sight and for people in it.

My children are my rock, without them I would have been lost. It's Cash's calling of "mom" each morning that brightens my day. Beau's kisses, his gentle demeanor and amazing manners that remind me that I'm doing something right. Kai's verbage and personality that remind me what it's like to be a kid, and that I have an awesome one! With three little souls I rediscovered my world, found my heart and enjoy the life I have.

My parents are remarkable. I love my dad like many girls do, he is my everything. I probably don't tell him enough, but I have never been so in awe by an individual. I drive him absolutely crazy for my endless search of finding a guy like him, truthfully I know there is no one in the world like him. The greatest gift my dad ever gave me was loving my mother the way he does. Can't blame a girl for wanting to be loved, he just set the standard a little to high. My mother is beautiful, hardworking and forgiving, what's not to love about that? Sometimes I think she forgets these things or that I so admire these traits within her that I want to be just like her. Throughout this year there were many of times where I simply wanted to give up; luckily I haven't! While I have forgiven I know she hasn't forgotten, I love her strength and determination to keep me strong when I needed it the most. I can never thank you both enough for loving us all!

I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Some of them reside minutes from the home I have struggled this year to get over. When I left Buckeye not only did I leave my home, but I left the comfort of the life I loved. Moving back home to Glendale, proved to be challenging. I got swept up into crowds that I never wanted to be apart of as I searched to find just where I belonged. In those searches I reconnected with "old" friends and found the greatest of joys. Friends come and go and this year I learned that lesson once again but welcomed the ones who opened new doors.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends actually listen to what you say. Best Friends lesson to what you don't.

BFF'S

Brandee and I

Shawn (guys and gals can be just friends)

Truly I feel lucky to be blessed the way I have. I truthfully feel that many of us are blessed, but fail to see the blessings before us. I can only say that the past year has given me another chance at a little thing we call life. My life is full and I thank those who have helped me along the way! My heart is full!

Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.

Wired up!

2010-06-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Cash underwent a 24 hour Holter monitor due to his recent hospitalization. Cash was unbelievable well behaved and such a good little man when the monitor was attached. As far as keep the leads attached will that was another story! Cash can not hang onto any lead for any length of time, the poor kid had a pound of tape added to his chest by the time the 24 hours was up!

Overall, Cash is happy, playful and a handful. His heart rate still continues to be lower than normal, but no where near the extremely low levels it reached last weekend. Cash will now follow up with a Cardiologist, who has sent us a home with a portable heart monitor to capture any further episodes he may have. Cash's condition CCHS is known to have cardiac issues and his Cardiologist brought up the issue of cardiac pacing with Cash. So we wait for Holter results, have a portable machine at home for 30 days and will encourage cardiac pacing in Cash's future so he can continue to leas a happy and playful life. Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers for Cash and our family!

LOVE

2010-06-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

"To her the name of father was another name for love" ~ Fanny Fern

I have truthfully been blessed to have an opinionated, hardworking, dedicated man that has loved me to the best of his ability. He is my LOVE my HERO, he is my father. As a daughter I love my DAD like no other, at 30 I still claim to be a daddy's girl. I have always hoped that I would find a man that was a proud man like my dad.

A man that would challenge me to the best of my ability. A man who loved me even when I failed, because that is when I need the love the most. A man who would do everything in his power to protect me even if that meant hurting me in the process. A man who would teach me things I would never forget.

I am blessed, I say this often and believe it more than it's ever even spoken. My dad is my HERO for many more reasons than will ever meet the eye. He protects, provides and comforts not only myself but my babies. He has taken the boys and I under his roof and has gone above and beyond to make us feel wanted and loved. Truthfully, not every day, every moment or memory is grand...I after all am my father's daughter. I am stubborn, strong willed and light hearted just like he. But it's in our moments of conflict that I understand and appreciate his character even more...he wants nothing but the best for me. I want nothing but the best for the boys and for myself as well.

This Father's Day, my dad was my hero. Cash was taken by ambulance Saturday for an irregular heartbeat, my dad never left his side. In turn he never left mine. Having a sick child/grandchild is hard, and in those unfamiliar moments heartbreaking. You fear the worst and try so hard to hope, pray and believe in the best. I am one of the toughest yet weakest girl I know and I learned a lot of my strength and pride from my father. So dad I thank you for being all that you are...AMAZING!

Keep Breathing

2010-06-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me, grew up with me or went to school me; have probably seen my many...actually countless post on facebook. I am a self proclaimed optimist, a day dreamer, a go-getter or what I like to classify myself as a free spirit.

Today I was called philosophical. Truthfully I never have thought of myself as such, but it probably makes a lot of damn sense to those on the outside. I haven't always been the glass half full girl and was actually quite the pessimist. I generally prepared myself for the worst...can't remember ever thinking that great things were going to happen to me.

That being said it was in one of those bad moments that I found the beauty of everything that was going to be. It was in numerous moments in the last couple of years where I no longer prepared for the worst but hoped for the best. It was when I learned that I set the course for my life by my attitude. It was in the change of attitude that I opened up, took time out of every day craziness to smell the dairy-air (we lived by a cow farm) and my world as I now know it came around.

They say the truth sets you free...so tonight I honestly say I have more worries than my shoulders can bear. My heart is easily broken, because I feel it with so much HOPE. I cherish each day, but still have anxiety and anger within every day. I have HUGE flaws that I don't work on...because they are ME. But within all my worries, heart break (sometimes it feels so good ~ I love to feel), anxiety and anger I have never felt so in LOVE with LIFE.

I didn't get here alone...my faith, family and friends all helped guide the way...

The most important thing about a problem is not its solution, but the strength we gain in finding the solution.

May you find your strength in your struggles, dream BIG and I hope someday you will be able to live the life you have always imagined. Cause while I imagined something much different than I have now, I learned I have everything a girl could possibly need...FAITH, HOPE & LOVE!

My World

2010-06-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

Dearest Kai:

I remember the excitement, the nervous energy and the fear I felt all bundled into a bunch of hope on this day 6 years ago (Tuesday) as I was induced to have my first child, my first son Kai Jackson. The day was tedious with a few unexpected twist that resulted in a long day of delivery, an emergency c-section and the worlds cutest baby I had ever seen.

The day you born family gathered, they prayed, they hoped and waited...oh BOY did we wait. Your delivery turned into an all day/night affair as you were the first little boy and grandchild to be born into our hearts and lives. I will never forget your arrival due to the dynamics of the birth, the sound of the nurse calling your stats over the intercom into the operating room, or the length of time it took before I saw you. However, that first glance and moment you did nothing but shine. My life was forever changed, it was moment you became my world!

You are no longer my baby, you have graduated to a little man. I am proud to be your "Mother", but still dislike the sound of the word. I would be satisfied being your Mama for the rest of my life. You are wise beyond your years, determined and a pure delight. You have a heart of gold and treat those around you kindly. I love your generosity, your wants are many and I hope in time through life you learn you have everything you could possibly need right in front of you. You are surrounded by love and your love for Jesus and your faith will carry you so far.

Thank you for blessing my life, I treasure so many moments of you! You are amazing and don't let anyone ever tell you anything different. Happy Birthday Kai, you are my WORLD!

Love Always,

Mother =)

xoxo

Ordinary Days

2010-06-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

This week has been a busy week of nothing extraordinary, but it's funny how you never know when simple ordinary days may turn in to be some of the BEST days of your life...

The brothers have been lovely, they have shared, they have used their manners and they have melted my heart.

I truthfully loathed summer, I had many panicked moments leading up to the last days of school wondering and praying I'd find cheap/free activities for these boys do. It was almost like having an allergic reaction...itchy, water eyes and the untameable runny nose. It was then I realized I was having a mom breakdown and not an allergic reaction after all.

Kai's last day of school was anticipated and came faster than even I could have imagined. I spent the last half hour of his day with him at school and while he celebrated his graduation, I shed tears watching a video of him and his classmate throughout the year. I cried (are you surprised) and blamed it on the song choices, but when I looked around the room and saw all the other teary eyed moms I knew it was more of a mom moment. A mom moment, when you suddenly realize your baby isn't a baby...anymore. A mom moment when you are proud, feeling slightly left out but realizing both you and your child grew slightly apart physically but closer in heart.

Kai & his BFF Scotty

Krazy Kdg. Boys

Bailey & Kai

We left the hill that afternoon after saying our good-bye's to Kai's friends and my parent friendships brought together by the bonds of children and frankly it wasn't what I anticipated. It wasn't the loathe I currently described but an excitement of a new adventure that I knew awaited the boys and I in the upcoming ten weeks of an insanely hot Arizona summer.

Kid Update:

Beau misses school and asks to attend each and every morning, actually demanding accurately describes his begging. He misses his teacher Mr. Craig, but by 9:30 is begging to go to a movie, to the zoo or his Aunt Andee's house to play with Branson. Beau is a delight and coming out of his shell so eloquently that he amazes so many. I am thankful for the opportunities presented to him in wake of his Autism diagnosis. He leaves so many of us in awe and I can't help but be over joyed by the things he has learned and continues to learn. I don't know of many three-year-old's that can use a computer as well as he...I will never the shock in my brain the morning I found him on Disney.com as he sputtered out, "look maw I did it!" He sure did! Btw...when asked how he got there he said the "TV said" to go there...

Cash is HUGE or as the doctor spelled out slightly F-A-T. We are awaiting a nutritional consult, he is still being feed by ng-tube during naps and all night and still not getting the intake recommended. He currently takes only juice by mouth and has begun to eat slowly but surely. Cash had surgery on the 24th of May and the findings are that his reflux is so bad, his throat is closing not allowing him to eat or rather swallow...which has lead to spitting! Eeewww, we are all so tired of spit! Cash has been prescribed Nexium, because the findings showed that obviously the Prevacid wasn't really helping. We will continue the Nexium for 8 weeks and go back in for a repeat endoscopy/biopsy. Cash currently weighs more than both Kai (36.1) and Beau (33.2) at a whooping 36.9lbs.

So with that being said, I'll let the pics do the describing of our week...

Branson, Baby Jonas & Kai

Beau

Cash Phoenix
Papa & Cash
Me & my Beau

Memo, Papa, Beau & Granny

I & Megs @ Lady A ~ Tim McGraw Country Girls at Heart

Its a Beautiful Day!

2010-05-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Tuesday's/Wednesday's are spent on the couch watching American Idol, from the beginning I have BeLEEived in Lee and my dad thought Mamasox (Crystal) rocked the house. So tonight with our two favorite contestants up against one another this house was under American Idol (friendly fire) war!

Dad: She (Lacey Brown) has a better chance of being a major artist than Lee

Me: So when Lee comes in concert you are SOOO taking me...

Dad: Ummm NO, cause that would be a waste of money!

It ended up being a Beautiful Day, when LEE DEWYZE won this seasons American Idol! I am geeky about American Idol and Lee and cried...

On a non-AI note, today was Beau's last day of preschool, he has grown tremendously in the past 7 months! OH...and I won D-Back tickets (from Ride Now Powersports in Avondale, AZ) behind home plate...see it's been a Beautiful Day!

He has grown...

2010-05-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

Kai started kindergarten this year...

He went to school with hesitation in his mind and heart, but learned on the very first day that he was experiencing a time full of learning and laughter. He grew within the year, weakness were pointed out, practiced and strengthened.
Friendships grew and his personality truly soared. He became a boy that left the comfort of his mother's side. His feet grew two sizes throughout the year, his imagination surpassed my wildest dreams and he confidently is become the little witty man I always hoped for him to be.

As a mother I am proud of my son. Kai will complete kindergarten in just two short days. I am saddened by how quickly the days and year flew by. However, this is only a small chapter on what is yet to come. I look at his growth and can't thank his teacher enough. I hear his laughter see the love and confidence that he flourished on his own. He found friends, he found comfort and he truly learned that he could be anything he wanted to be...all while being in kindergarten.

Tonight I type and look over my shoulder to see my boy sleeping soundly just like he did as a baby, but he is no longer a baby! He is a boy; a young man. Kai celebrated his 6th birthday this weekend with his friends and family. The smile and excitement in his night was delightful. Thank you to those who came and celebrated with Kai and our family!

I am...

2010-05-19T13:50:00.001-07:00

Embrace your uniqueness. Time is much too short to be living someone else’s life. - Kobi Yamada

I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles...

~Audrey Hepburn

I am TRACEY...I am mom to three beautiful little boys they are my LIFE. I am a daughter to two loving parents and they are my INSPIRATION! I am a sister and that makes me PROUD! I am a friend and that makes me HAPPY. I feel alive and loved and that brings me pure JOY. I enjoy being TRACEY!!

Who are you?

Cash and I

2010-05-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

Cash and I are sitting here waiting for the clock to turn to 3:08pm so that we can go get the older monsters of the family. Cash plays the Wii, truthfully has deleted things on the Wii and I type to say hello!

Cash and I enjoyed a lunch out today which is rare! He was a ham smiling for all who looked his way, he truly is a little bee charmer!

And with that Cash has a few things to say....

n jhfjfjdfhgkkmnvlijgn dfjrdfekljfgk;dslihsdz,dsxgfl;ikewsloiedsk

Translation:

Spellbound LOVE Lesson

2010-05-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

Being a mother, just does something to me. There are days where I wonder if I am under a spell, a sweet seducing spell that has me wrapped around tiny little fingers. Sounds of hollers and sputters echo through my ears as I choke back my tears.

I fear that I am not all my boys need. I try so hard! I have secret heart to hearts with my closest friends about whether or not my fears of "trying" are justified. Am I the only mom out there secretly going insane!?! It's in that moment of craziness that I look down to see a dimpled-face little boy, giggling away all of the days cares.

Today is and actually was Mother's Day. A day that I had big plans for the boys and I, but couldn't find the motivation to get it done. While my day was routine, spent with my handsome little me (who were actually well behaved) and my loving family...all I did on numerous occasions was cry. Tears literally flowed endlessly and I still can't think of the true meaning or the reason for my blues, it was literally just a feeling or an instant thought that produced minutes of tears.

It was early this morning during my discussion with Kai that had us going back in forth over picking up his toys when the first tear drop hit my left cheek. He looked at me as I grew silent and watched as the tears just began to flow. Before I even realized that I was silently sobbing, I heard cries coming from my oldest son. I feel to my knees and just hugged him, nothing would come out of my mouth and it took everything I had to tell him I was going to be okay.

You see truthfully there are so many times I am asked, "how I do it?"...

How the hell do I do what? I live with my parents, I am just thankful that they took us in. I can't provide for myself, because my job and life has been given to my sweet baby who has problem after problem. I mean I think to myself how in the hell does Cash do it!?! How can this child suffer, when does he, the boys, my family and I ever catch a break? When will my darling Kai ever stop talking or fearing death? When will Beau get the attention to his Autism that he so desperately needs? When? Where? How? I could ask questions all day...

I look at my mother and am just awe struck by her strength. She is the glue who holds my family together. She is absolutely unstoppable, her love is never ending...and that's when it hit me today it's about LOVE. Today I felt a little lost but being a mother has me spellbound and truly lost in love.

I do IT, because these kids keep me grounded, they have been nothing but honest, pure and loving! I simply thank God for giving me and truthfully for blessing me with one of the hardest lessons I will ever endure. I would also be lost without my mom and thank her enough for her guidance. I know I don't tell her often enough but her strength, guidance and LOVE...saves me!

P.S. Thank you Shane for allowing the boys to gift me with flowers and cupcakes, it's truly appreciated!

Whata de Mayo

2010-05-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

Cinco de Mayo is just another day and a great reason for me to hit the local Mexican food joint, have a taco, an enchilada and one strong ass Margarita. I live in Sunny AZ, which has been a State with "mucho" attention from the national media due to the SB 1070 Immigration Law...

that being said, I am keeping my opinion to myself but those who know me BEST know which side of the fence I stand.

So I figured in honor of it being the 5th day of May I would list my TOP 5 most thought of thoughts so far this month...

Drum roll please....

1. So damn easy to say that life’s so hard, Everybody’s got their share of battle scars, As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that I’m alive, and well... Kenny Chesney

2. You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus

3. Kai picked her...invited her to his birthday party later this month!!

4. A tan is to be earned, celebrated with girlfriends and not bought!
5. I have a major crush on Lee DeWyze from American Idol...sigh

How Sweet It Is...

2010-05-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

to be LOVED by 3 charmingly handsome little men!

As a mother I have learned that not all days are perfect and many aren't as bad as you think they will turn out to be. Life is a daily battle...you struggle to cram 36 hrs worth of stuff, some of it useless...but it is still stuff into a 24 hour period. It's finally night fall when your lids become heavy that you reflect on just how busy and unbelievably perfect that your day turned out to be!

How Sweet It Is...

Beau and I spent the day together. We were headed to Aunt Brandee's when I got the text that Branson's belly hurt...I avoid illness, wind and bugs at all costs. So Beau and I turned the car around and went browsing for Kai's upcoming birthday party. It was in our browsing that Beau found a magic door that lead to this...

...who could resist such a face?? or maybe it was that he caught me in a lie when I said the store was closed!! as he opened the door Beau stated, "Wow! It open just for me!"

Beau is growing so quickly. He truly is the sweetest and most mannerful out of the group. He loves to cuddle and is definitely a mama's boy. He is finally back in the grove with school and is doing fantastic. I credit this in part to his teacher's aide Ms. Holly, she is the love and comfort he desperately needs and highly craves. She is kind and so compassionate to Beau. In fact, Beau is so fond of school these days that today when we pulled up to the school I opened the door to get him out and he told me to get back in the car...claiming that he could go on his own!!

Back in the car and no one gets hurt! (Square America)

Cash on the other hand, is more than a handful! He is out of control and currently nicknamed Osama Cash...(you get the idea). Cash is growing so quickly and is so eager to learn, yet with little communication we struggle, or rather trip over our words A LOT!!

Cash man can most recently be found sporting these...

...underwear! He loves flushing the toilet, so I let him flush it if he pees, it has turned into successful communication between the two of us! It has this momma smiling from ear to ear. As Kai states I am always asking for a diaper and or buying them and this is one step closer to doing neither!

On a Cash health note, he was taken back into the GI Dr. on Thursday and has an endoscopy scheduled for the 20th if this month. Cash is rarely eating at this point. He swallows one or two bites and becomes agitated and will spit his food out. His spitting was getting out of hand, luckily I have finally caught on to his spitting food ques and either catch it in a napkin or direct him to the toilet he can flush...its a flushing reward! Cash will also have a tissue biopsy at that time and several labs drawn to rule out allergies to greater digestive issues such as celiac disease. At this point, we smile, we remain optimistic, are now on a gluten free diet (oddly he can eat those foods...scratches head, slightly worries) and hope there is an answer and no g-tube in our future.

Also on Friday, Cash woke to a slight fever and even more concerning was the blood in his sputum (trach). I put a call into the Pedi and we were seen that afternoon. I received a call from the hospital today in regards to his culture results and Cash is growing a moderate amount of gram negative rod, which means pseudomonas pneumonia. This is a mom who very highly dislikes pseudomonas all people should!!

Today Cash was a HERO, he had his ng-tube replaced and handled it like Superman! Since Beau was treated to a sweet treat, I took Cash and his nurse for ice cream after taking Beau to school. Im all about celebrating small victories and placing this ng-tube today was a victory in my book!

My afternoon began with Kai's second school project. He has to write a story and the title of his story is "American Soldier". My son loves soldiers, he loves America and while he may only be five he knows that a soldier fights for this country to provide us with FREEDOM! I am proud and Kai and I are grateful for the men and women that fight for our freedom.

Thank You!

Cycle of LIFE...

2010-04-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

"Mommy, okay momma!?!...Kai mutters

I follow with the usual "yep"; I continue to hear him carrying on about Cash and I glance up from a (mom) heart-wrenching-the-kids-are-growing-up-to-fast project to listen to Kai speaking of death. It's then that I begin the talk of the cycle of life and in five year old speak this is most easily done in pictures.

Let me explain...

A grand adventure is about to begin. ~ Winnie the Pooh

A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.

~ Eda J. Le Shan

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.

~ Angela Schwindt

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

~ Jim Valvano

A grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart.

~ Author Unknown

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.

~ Alex Haley

Kai has seriously been blessed to have some of the most amazing men (and women) in his life. He truly is one of the luckiest little boys to have a family with so much love and diversity. Having Kai was one of the proudest moments in my Circle of Life and tonight we found so much joy in celebrating his through pictures. He asked so many questions about love, what used to be and what we have now...my eyes fill with tears as I truly just know that he is my life and my everything. Spending those sleepless nights, days of corky's (pacifiers) and pillows to a fridge filled with school work...is simply so worth it!

Tonight I taught him three new things...

Spend time with your mother she's cooler than you think!
Sometimes your best bet is to bet on her...yes the cutest girl! What does he have to lose??
Always be proud of who you are, cause he is AMAZING!

To You, My Sisters

2010-04-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

To You, My Sisters

by Maureen K. Higgins

Many of you I have never even met face to face, but I've searched you out every day. I've looked for you on the Internet, on playgrounds and in grocery stores. I've become an expert at identifying you. You are well worn. You are stronger than you ever wanted to be. Your words ring experience, experience you culled with your very heart and soul. You are compassionate beyond the expectations of this world. You are my "sisters."

Yes, you and I, my friend, are sisters in a sorority. A very elite sorority. We are special. Just like any other sorority, we were chosen to be members. Some of us were invited to join immediately, some not for months or even years. Some of us even tried to refuse membership, but to no avail.

We were initiated in neurologist's offices and NICU units, in obstetrician's offices, in emergency rooms, and during ultrasounds. We were initiated with somber telephone calls, consultations, evaluations, blood tests, x-rays, MRI films, and heart surgeries. All of us have one thing in common. One day things were fine. We were pregnant, or we had just given birth, or we were nursing our newborn, or we were playing with our toddler. Yes, one minute everything was fine. Then, whether it happened in an instant, as it often does or over the course of a few weeks or months, our entire lives changed. Something wasn't quite right. Then we found ourselves mothers of children with special needs.

We are united, we sisters, regardless of the diversity of our children's special needs. Some of our children undergo chemotherapy. Some need respirators and ventilators. Some are unable to talk, some are unable to walk. Some eat through feeding tubes. Some live in a different world. We do not discriminate against those mothers whose children's needs are not as "special" as our child's. We have mutual respect and empathy for all the women who walk in our shoes.

We are knowledgeable. We have educated ourselves with whatever materials we could find. We know "the" specialists in the field. We know "the" neurologists, "the" hospitals, "the" wonder drugs, "the" treatments. We know "the" tests that need to be done, we know "the" degenerative and progressive diseases and we hold our breath while our children are tested for them. Without formal education, we could become board certified in neurology, endocrinology, and physicatry.

We have taken on our insurance companies and school boards to get what our children need to survive, and to flourish. We have prevailed upon the State to include augmentative communication devices in special education classes and mainstream schools for our companies the medical necessity of gait trainers and other adaptive equipment for our children with spinal cord defects. We have sued municipalities to have our children properly classified so they could receive education and evaluation commensurate with their diagnosis.

We have learned to deal with the rest of the world, even if that means walking away from it. We have tolerated scorn in supermarkets during "tantrums" and gritted our teeth while discipline was advocated by the person behind us in line. We have tolerated insane suggestions and homeremedies from well-meaning strangers. We have tolerated mothers of children without special needs complaining about chicken pox and ear infections. We have learned that many of our closest friends can't understand what it's like to be in our sorority, and don't even want to try.

We have our own personal copies of Emily Peri Kingsley's "A Trip To Holland" and Erma Bombeck's "The Special Mother." We keep them by our bedside and read and reread them during our toughest hours.

We have coped with holidays. We have found ways to get our physically handicapped children to the neighbors' front doors on Halloween, and we have found ways to help our deaf children form the words, "trick or treat." We have accepted that our children with sensory dysfunction will never wear velvet or lace on Christmas. We have painted a canvas of lights and a blazing Yule log with our words for our blind children. We have pureed turkey on Thanksgiving. We have bought white chocolate bunnies for Easter. And all the while, we have tried to create a festive atmosphere for the rest of our family.

We've gotten up every morning since our journey began wondering how we'd make it through another day, and gone to bed every evening not sure how we did it. We've mourned the fact that we never got to relax and sip red wine in Italy. We've mourned the fact that our trip to Holland has required much more baggage than we ever imagined when we first visited the travel agent. And we've mourned because we left for the airport without most of the things we needed for the trip.

But we, sisters, we keep the faith always. We never stop believing. Our love for our special children and our belief in all that they will achieve in life knows no bounds. We dream of them scoring touchdowns and extra points and home runs. We visualize them running sprints and marathons. We dream of them planting vegetable seeds, riding horses and chopping down trees. We hear their angelic voices singing Christmas carols. We see their palettes smeared with watercolors, and their fingers flying over ivory keys in a concert hall. We are amazed at the grace of their pirouettes. We never, never stop believing in all they will accomplish as they pass through this world.But in the meantime, my sisters, the most important thing we do, is hold tight to their little hands as together, we special mothers and our special children, reach for the stars.

The TH Fairy

2010-04-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

In our house we have invented a TH Fairy, aka The Toy Hiding Fairy. You see I have three little boys, one (Kai) who is obsessed with a new toy each month and it's not just a toy but a whole collection of toys. We have moved from Little People, Dinosaurs, Lightening McQueen, Soldiers and now on to Star Wars and Lego's (I'm sure I have missed an obsession in there too - Yep! NASCAR). Toys these days aren't cheap, so this mom is always looking for a bargain and to truly satisfy the wants of my children.

In time, costly time I have taught the boys that they DO NOT get a toy every time we enter a store. Kai's new Star Wars and Lego's obsession isn't cheap. His younger brother Beau has an even more costly addiction to the Wii or the want for the same McQueen car he already has multiples of. Guess it makes it easier when you lose one...

Hence the TH Fairy was invented. It was during Christmas that Kai spotted small Star Wars figurines that he had to have. Santa obviously missed his letter cause he brought the wrong ones to the house. I explained that next year we needed to be a bit more descriptive in our letter writing skills. Shortly after the New Year while visiting the store I found the Star Wars figurines half off; that's a bargain especially since we hadn't been able to find these particular boxed sets anywhere else. Kai was with me when I found this yummy find, so he witnessed me purchasing them. After much discussion he knew he wouldn't get the toys that day and that his constant obsessing over having a new toy had grown rather annoying. It was then that I asked my mom to hide the toys...Kai asked where the figurines had gone and the TH Fairy came to life!

After 3 months Kai deserved a visit from the TH Fairy...

Creeping through...

2010-04-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

We continue to creep through days. Kai is busy in school, he just had his first "project" due, as simple as it really it was, it was time consuming and wore me out. I procrastinate and should have learned from my own doing on many occasions, that procrastination only adds more stress. However, with last minute ideas and preparation aside Kai's Anaconda project went off without a hitch! Kai loves spending his free time in wrestling and with his friends, he is my social butterfly!

Beau continues to go to school and cries daily once being released, we are having some major separation anxiety. I try to give Beau space, but can never turn away from his pleas of being held, squeezed or the want of an I love you kiss. This poor kid has me wrapped around his finger...which leaves him feeling lost in an unknown world of school. Today as he sobbed, I walked away and nearly broke out in a rash as my anxiety creeped up my neck. I wanted nothing more than to pick him up comfort him and tell him it would be okay. We are always okay! On a great note Beau has peed three times once in the potty and the other two well...

Cash has had a fever spiking on various occasions causing him to have spasms (seizures) until the fever is controlled and brought down. We have another EEG in the near future and it's beginning to look like a change of meds too. Life with Cash is an adventure, but he is doing well. He is really a fighter and a blessing and each day is the like the first day of his life...we march forward and everyday contains giggles! Who could ever ask for more?

Me...well I continue to struggle with my emotions with their dad and where we currently are. There is a lot of just unanswered questions and whys. The questions don't get me anywhere, but locked in a glass case of emotions. The past week has also opened doors for me...I spoke my mind and it led others to do the same. What I learned though is that others opinions of me don't matter, they have blinders on. Never have I claimed to be perfect, but I have always vowed to treat others the way I wanted to be treated, apologize when I do wrong, learn from my mistakes and to question what I may hear. Rumors these days live longer than many relationships, and while rumors may circulate, it is I who truly knows me and the truth. It comes back to treating others kindly, paying forward kindness and firmly believing that Ms. Karma is a bitch. And truthfully LIFE is to short, it's meant to be lived and celebrated. I have a great support system and thank my blessings daily!

Where you go through life

So sure of where you’re headin'

And you wind up lost and it's

The best thing that could have happened

Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well

Because you find yourself

Yeah that’s when you find yourself

~Brad Paisley

Time after time

2010-04-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

There are so many times when I fail to realize the calm before the storm. It was just yesterday that I was elated by all of our progress. Beau finally had a great week at school with no behavior issues, Cash completed his antibiotics and was doing great medically and Kai was finally beginning to understand that using his words (he whines from time to time) was effective communication with positive results.

This morning I was woken, by Cash crawling into bed, his head literally on fire. His mumbles and cries were more than concerning, but the fact that he was crawling into bed finding comfort was even more troubling. Cash is in his terrible twos and rarely seeks me out unless needed. It was as he laid in my arms that he began to twitch. Lightening literally struck inside my chest as my heart stopped. Never had I stopped breathing, began praying and sat up so quickly in all of my life. I called Cash's name, stroked his cheek as I watched him lost in another world. His eyes blinked and just like that he stopped...

My morning continued with Cash having small seizures. It's times like these that I feel like I am falling and that I will never break through all the pain. When does it all end, when does the miracle happen, when does it all go away? It's in my moments of fear that I hurt, I feel pain and my anxiety climbs walls that I never even knew existed. It was this morning that I realized that for a few days I had all the worries out of my head, and it suddenly all came thrashing wildly back into perspective. My reality comes crashing in and I find myself wanting to run back to yesterday, when I didn't feel the pain.

It's not even so much about my pain...what does Cash feel when he has these spasms? Does Cash lose more and more each time of his development? Where and what is this going to do to my son long term? Is his life ever going to be normal? Because LORD knows mine never well!

Yesterday I said that there are days when there isn't much to say...today I am swimming against the tide of thoughts. Wondering when I will get a full grasp or a firm grip on my situation. I'm trying my best to understand the LIFE I LOVE to LIVE, but today only half of my heart feels. I feel like I am falling short in my fears, but I can't walk away from what I was given. Reality is and truth be spoken; others walked away which leaves the other half of my heart numb, sick and angry. My feelings leave me trapped, and all I want is to be free of the resentment.

Tonight I find myself flooded with emotions. Now it's time to build a bigger dam to hold them all in. Guess you can say I'm not prepared to face the battle of feeling defeated. Truth is I know I have more to be thankful for than to be angry about. It's not worth the suffering, the pain or wondering what would have been, because I look around at the boys and see where we are...HOME!

Home is not where you live, but where they understand you...

Love sick and blossoming!

2010-04-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom ~ Anais Nin

At this moment the boys and I are busy filling our days with activities, afternoons spent in the sun and giggles shared contagiously. I by nature love the warmth of the sun on my skin, the feeling of grass between my toes and a breeze so gentle it's almost not felt but the feeling is euphoric. So we are blossoming and in love with our days!

Branson, Kai & Beau ~ Movie Field Trip

Tiffany, Jenn & Brandee ~ Girl Night + Wine = FUN

Family at Costco in Prescott ~ Visting Granny
Momma's Boys ~ Zoo
Branson & Beau ~ West Gate

Brandee & Jonas
Sunday Funday @ the Papcave

Pappy Daddy w/ Beau & Branson
Kai & I ~ Me loves him!

Cash loving the great outdoors...

Pictures only show a moment, but these moments where highlights of our weeks. Some days there is so much to say and others not so much. No news is great news in this household. We are all vibrant, healthy and most importantly HAPPY! Which has this MOM in LOVE!

Great Friday!

2010-04-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

The 2nd of April is known and celebrated in this family for many reasons. Today also happens to be Good Friday, the Friday before Easter Sunday, the day in which Jesus died for all of us...which leaves this Friday to be even greater than it was already supposed to be.

You see today is World Autism Awareness Day, and my beloved Beau is a wonderful, beautiful, bright child who has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders (PDD-NOS).

Beau is so remarkable, he is beyond breathtaking. I could watch him for hours and be in awe of the way he moves. When Beau was diagnosed with Autism I was not in any way surprised, but I was definitely a little heartbroken. I tried to warn those around him (my family, his dads family) and was on more than one occasion told that I wished it upon him...that nothing was wrong with him. As his mom I knew...I knew his behaviors weren't typical. That his routines were more than just routines and trust me I never wished this upon him!

Many who meet Beau are surprised that he is on the spectrum simply because he talks. We all learn to communicate and teaching Beau has been challenging and his verbal skills are 35% of what a typical three year old should have. I have been told that I am lucky that he is doing so well...and while I agree, it doesn't change the fact that I still have a verbal son, intelligent beyond belief that I struggle to communicate with every second of each and every day. I have a son who is locked in his own world and still tries so diligently to make a connection with our world. A son who tries to be like his older brother, but honestly just doesn't truly know how too. In my eyes Beau's diagnosis is a label to describe not the traits he has but rather the ones he has lost or will never truly have.

It is I as his mother, who watched him slowly stop responding to his name, I who watched him sway back in forth nightly in his crib, I who watched him begin to line objects over and over, I who listened to slamming doors each morning. As his mother it was I who would question myself and found myself asking, Where have you gone?

As Beau's mom I made excuses for his behaviors: he screamed at the sight of crayons, because he loved the colors. He danced on his tippy toes because he should have been a ballerina, he spun in circles because all kids his age did! Honestly, it never mattered. He is my son and while I was hysterical when he was diagnosed, Autism is only term not a label to explain who he is.

Beau is everything I could have hoped for and more!

Today is also the second anniversary of Cash being discharged from the NyICU at St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center. Cash spent 90 days in 3 various hospital NICU's before coming home on April 2, 2008. This had to be one of the most nerve wracking, exciting and intense moments of my life. I was so nervous when we left the hospital that afternoon.

We have been through some trying times with Cash and his health...each time is exhausting, but we sail through. Cash is a courageous little boy, with a zest for life. He is in his troublesome two's, nothing stops him or his adventurous spirit. Cash has endured more than many of us ever will in his two short years of life...he knows know different and continues to grow and thrive. He truly is a blessing and has been absolute miracle to myself!

Tonight we celebrate LIFE and two remarkable little boys!

A little lighter...

2010-03-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

There are times when I so freely can express the way I feel and other times I just feel so alone, drowning in a endless sea of thoughts. I write here because it is a sounding board for me. It clears my mind, lightens my load and allows me to dust myself off and continue on.

Life, is challenging! My life in those challenges show such rewards. I see "things" ~ LIFE differently. I freely feel, I get lost in moments and its honestly because I was handed a bundle of joy that was unique. Cash changed all of us, Beau changed me and Kai he thought me pure love. Never before in all of my life have I loved the way I loved him, he started my journey of being a Mother.

Today I spent a hour or two going through and scanning old photos of my youth. Such great moments, with everlasting memories. Friendships were formed so many years ago that I treasure to this day. It so nice to sometimes take a time out and remember the moments.

Kim, Myself, Brandee, Tiffany & Jessie on New Years 1999/2000

Myself, Pappy (Jason) and Jessie

Tiffany, Brandee & I

Jessie, Tiffany & I in Rocky Point, Mexico

Shane (Kai's dad) & I in 2002

It's quickly released as I miss those moments that I wouldn't go back to those days for anything. I'd rather be lost for a few moments in an endless sea of thoughts and have the life I have today over any moment in a picture. It's today that I am 30 and so comfortable in my own skin. I look in the mirror and no longer think my nose is huge. I look in the mirror and feel beautiful, proud to have 3 kids and feel amazing. I treasure my little wrinkles especially the one on my upper lip...it reminds me of the smiles and joy I have lived. So many smiles and eyes that have seen so much but they have remarkable life behind them.

Thank you for letting me share my life. Thank you for being apart of my world. Some of you hurt when we hurt, you pray when we need prayers and you embrace our world. I am a MOM, that is reminded that I haven't failed and it's tonight that I am reminded that I am blessed to love three energetic little boys. Reminded that I have a loving family and remarkable life long friends.

I will never forget this weekend, but feel healed! Everyone is feeling fine and it has been a perfect day in a not so perfect way!

Expressions

2010-03-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time expressing the way I feel about this weekends incident. Honestly I blame myself, I can't shake the guilt and can't find the words to truly tell my father how grateful I am for him. Without his help I know the outcome would have been so different.

Communication: It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or even how to ask for the things we need.

I find myself at a complete loss of words. My brain is numb, the incident itself so scary that I can't help replaying it in my head...but I keep hearing the sounds, feel the rush through my veins but see only blackness. I can't get a grip on what actually took place in my life for that few minute period of chaos before Cash was taken away.

Maybe it's denial. I deny that I am tired, I deny that Cash's care scares me to this day, I deny how bad I want to be perfect in his care (all the boys actually). Most importantly, I deny that I am in denial. I am human and frequently only see what I want to see and believe only what I want to believe. I lie to myself so much about my fears of Cash and his medical needs that after awhile the the lies start to seem like the truth. I deny my fears so much that I can't recognize the truth right in front of my face.

How could I be so naive?

It's not just about Cash and his needs. It ultimately just as much about Kai and Beau as it is about Cash. Beau's demeanor changes, his needs increase and he is so overly stimulated that screeches occur due to communication breakdowns. Kai fears death, or is actually obsessed with people dying. His knows Cash's care like the back of his hand. In 5 year-old language...Cash breathes out of a tube, this is how he stays alive, a machine attaches to it and breathes for him, his ng-tube goes up his nose to his throat and into his tummy, so he grows. If only it were all that simple.

As a mother I feel as if I have failed. I try so hard to shelter Kai and Beau from the stresses I endure, but there is no way of hiding it. They sense it, feel it and fear it. I wish I could take away their pain, fears and make it all better...shoot I wish I could do that to myself.

I am lost...looking for the ways to express my anxiety, my fear over losing control like I did on Saturday. The days events shook me to my core. It is now that I must get up brush myself off and move on...LIFE continues and thankfully everything turned out okay and nothing changes the fact that I LOVE the boys more than anything in the world!

Medical note: Cash has pseudomonas pneumonia and is on antibiotics. We are on watch and all hoping that we can treat this at home as we have been doing and that Saturday's incident doesn't get us off course.

Please...don't go!

2010-03-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

Cash and I have been poorly for the past week. He started showing signs of an illness last Thursday, after a weekend of high temps, a rash and no change the pediatrician was called Monday morning. After ears, nose, trach aspirate and throat were checked another round of antibiotics were ordered. Tuesday morning I awoke with a high fever, the ringing ears, the head pounding and a sore throat too painful to mention. I spent literally 36 hours sleeping and trying to recover as my dad stepped up to play Mr. Mom. (He did a fantastic job!)

Which brings us to today and it has been one hell of a day! Cash's ng-tube came out first thing this morning...not a BIG deal it needed replacing anyway. I let him run around tube free most of the morning and bathed him head to toe without having to worry about the tube and it's whereabouts! He splashed in the water and enjoyed the freedom from his tube. It's when trying to place it this afternoon that the nightmare began...

I hate placing the ng-tube! Cash can probably smell my fear, he saw me gathering supplies and knew it was coming. My dad was on hand to hold him down and so began our journey of my third tube placement and Cash's personal torture. As usual I hit resistance in Cash's right side. I always have and for some reason it just doesn't go in. After several attempts it passed, but didn't feel right...should have just of let it go (it was right - my nerves got in the way)...I pulled the tube!

Some of you expert ng-tube placers are probably thinking WTH did you do that for!?! Remember - I fear the ng-tube! So I continued again, attempt after attempt to get it in and it goes only to have it come out Cash's mouth! Are you kidding me! My dad and I decided to give it a break...this would allow Cash to calm down, me to recollect and to calm all of our nerves.

Twenty minutes pass and we decide to go again...once again I struggle to get the ng-tube up and over to the back of the throat. Cash is trashing all over the bed, it's a nightmare. The ng-tube passes BUT something is not right. Cash begins to gag, turn blue...OMG!! Did I go into the lung? I begin to pull the tube out but it's caught it's not coming up. Finally I get the tube out and Cash continues to gag, his lips are purple and he is not breathing! I grab the ambu-bag and begin to bag Cash as we scream for my mom to call 911. By now Cash is limp, his eyes rolling in the back of his head, gasping for what little breath may be available. My dad calls Cash's name over and over begging him to stay with us. I continue to bag my baby...all the while shaking, watching him slip in and out of consciousness.

It seemed like a lifetime passed as the first officer approached the room, he took over the bagging as I suctioned out Cash's mouth. My dad continued to stroke Cash's hair, face, stimulating him anyway we could. At that point the fire department took over, I rambling off Cash's list of meds and vent settings...something no parent ever wants to "have" to remember. My mind at this point goes numb. I see complete chaos, but hear nothing. I watch as my dad carries my lifeless child to the stretcher waiting in the hallway. I ask my dad to take Cash, never in my life have I parted from Cash, but I feel my knees weaken and the last breath escape my lungs. I am fighting just to stand, trying to remember to breathe as everything around me turns dark.

My last sight was my father and Cash being loaded into the ambulance. My last thought was dialing Shane's number telling him to come now! My last touch was my mother holding me up when all I wanted to do was melt into the earth below me. I remember the officer asking questions, scoping out the scene simply doing his job...while watching a mother lose it. I don't remember his face, just vaguely his voice as he asked repeatedly what I needed...a ride to the hospital, anything!?!

All I needed was a moment...just a simple moment to pull myself together.

As the ambulance turned on the siren's and whisked away I stumbled back inside. I made a mad dash and grabbed Cash a pair of clothes, found my shoes and took a second to look around. It was then that I remembered that my other two boys saw exactly what I had just witnessed. I made myself smile and made them think everything was alright. Beau gave me the typical...I lovchoo maw, maw go bye-bye?; his eyes were worried. Kai immediately asked if Cash was dying, told me he was the oldest and that he would be good...he promised!

My mom gathered the neighbor to watch the boys and we were off. As I ran into the ER, I wanted nothing more than to see Cash's face, no matter how it looked. I hated myself for leaving him, hated myself for losing it...hated the moment.

My dad sat on the bed holding him as people surrounded every side of the bed they could. I was pelted with questions as I entered, informed that the trach had bent blocking off Cash's airway (trach). Cash can breath without the trach, but today showed how dependent he is of the trach. As the doctor pulled out Cash's bent trach and entered a new one...he almost immediately had color, my son was no longer blue, purple, gray, black whatever you want to call it. He was pale and beginning to have color! He grabbed onto my neck and I never wanted to let him go.

You see in our house tonight, we were so close to losing one of our own. We saw, we felt and we experienced hell. We prayed, I fell to my knees and begged to give everything I had to just be given one more chance. I begged Cash...Please, don't go!

Within a hour of the trach change and ng-tube placement Cash was discharged from the ER. He was roaming the waiting area like he owned the place, like nothing had ever happened. My son has a strength that I will never know, a fight for life that I will never experience. I always cherish these boys and today I was reminded to step it up another notch, never taking a moment for granted. My family is my all, my dad my hero and my son our everything. I never enjoyed pizza so much with my family before as I had tonight...we won another battle.

Thank you Shane for dropping everything to be with the boys, it means the world to all of us!

The Story of who I am...

2010-03-18T21:18:00.001-07:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pub Crawl

2010-03-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

Spring is the time of year people (at least ME) get a little antsy, we smell the first whiff of Spring in the air! The weather warms and you want to bask in the sun. It's a festive atmosphere! People need an excuse to get out and have a good time!

I was given my excuse to participate in a birthday Light Rail Pub Crawl! The day was spent with great friends, the weather was perfect and fun was pretty much had by all! I have to thank the best sitters in the world (Parents & Shane) for allowing me the opportunity to enjoy in some much needed adult only fun!

My adventures on the light rail, were nothing short of adventurous. I highly recommend this adult activity as a must do for any group of friends. We had the opportunity to surround ourselves with great company and were reminded a few times of our age...ouch! Kidding, I have enjoyed turning 30!

I'll let the pictures explain the journey...toot toot!

Brandee & Itaking off from the park n' ride!

1. First stop: Macayo's Depot Cantina

Tiffany & I

Pappy (B-day boy) & Brandee

Clinton & Pappy

Loved the patio and the sun! Just like any Macayo's just with a laid back patio and atmosphere. Great margaritas and good food!

2. Barney's Boathouse

Tiffany, Brandee & I

Kent & Pappy
Brandee & Ashley

Barney's BoatHouse used to be the old Dos Gringo's on University. Great service, quick drinks...bucket of beer for $10. Was a great place to just hang out and lounge!

3. Rula Bula Irish Pub

Clinton

Pappy & Brandee

Chuck & I

Ash & Tiffany

Nothing better than hitting an Irish Pub right before St. Patrick's Day and seeing a delightful man in a green kilt. Awesome! As the Irish say: I'll have what the man on the floor's having! Such a great atmosphere and a great way to kick of the night!

Back on the light rail headed to downtown Phoenix:

Pappy & Tiffany

Brandee &Mr. Van Buren & Kent

4. Hanny's

Kent, Pappy & Brandee

Tiffany, I & Clinton
Happy Pappy Birthday Boy!Tiffany & I

We all absolutely loved Hanny's! Not to mention that the restrooms here were fantastic. Never before have I seen a group so excited about the facilities available. The Mojito was to die for...oh how I long for a Mojito!

Walking to the next destination...

Brandee tackles the ant...
I slide off a catepillar...Chuck says, "Freeze"

5. Rose & Crown at Heritage Square

Tabitha and Tim join in the FUN!

Yummy and needed...

Happy Pappy eats
Things get a lil scary...

As you can tell the night started to get a little funny. Food was definitely needed, but the longest wait ever, awaited us. It literally took one hour to get those potato skins! We're they picking potatoes in Idaho!?! None the less the Rose & Crown, has a lot charm!

Light rail bound we were once again to head to Central Phoenix, meeting others on the way we all ventured to...

6. Switch

What should we get...Hmmm
Tiff & Ash's last stop!

I absolutely loved Switch...and our waiter Felipe! He was fantastic, and FUN! We order our drinks and all discussed our last destination for the night. Our list of 10 wasn't going to be happening. With a little discussion and encouragement from our fantastic waiter we ended up at our last stop for the night...(I Loved Felipe)

7. SideBar

Brandee & I...cheersI love Pappy!

Chuck...

I had been to the SideBar on one other occasion and really enjoyed my visit (ok and the company). We Spent the rest of our evening here and had a blast! We ran into our waiter Felipe from Switch and a friend from the past (Tim). Alcohol had taken it's toll and it was time to go once we had a stool stumble! The day/night was a blast!

On a final note: We did take a cab from the park n' ride in Phoenix. Cabby said it would be $150 if anyone puked in the cab. Our loud little group got pretty quiet once he confessed to spending 10 years in a California jail for shooting and killing another! OH MY GAWD...see why I don't get out much...I wanted out of that cab and FAST!

Bursts of color...

2010-03-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

Living in the Valley of the sun we are granted with beautiful weather, especially during this time of the year. The trees bloom with the lushness of a wet winter, flowers burst with vibrant hues, welcoming the suns glorious rays.

My boys white legs glowing beneath their board shorts, running barefoot with blades of green grass poking between their toes. Smiles so big, you would think of a glare from the shining sun. It is in the beauty of the day that has become just a tad bit longer that you begin to embrace all that you were given. The smell of neighbors BBQ's grilling and outdoor activites planned that lets you know Spring has sprung.

Our Spring Break has arrived. Kai spent his last day of school on a field trip to the Wild Life World Zoo & Aquarium. His teacher sent a delightful email Friday evening that captured the days events. Kai was thrilled to ride the school bus (at least for now). His excitement about the day was contagious!

While Kai was visiting the Zoo, Beau and I headed on a field trip of our own to the Cubs/Brewers Spring Training game with great friends! It was a lovely afternoon spent in the grass...with lots of giggles, laughter all the while celebrating Pappy's birthday!

Happy Birthday Pappy! Here's to hoping we have an incredible Spring Break!

Life needs a little more Sugar!

2010-03-11T17:54:00.000-08:00

Stressed spelled backwards...is Desserts!

I typically "try" to avoid sweets, because when I find a new addiction I can't seem to stay away! This delicious treat is to good to stay away from...it's the simple treasures in life that are absolutely delightful! Making life so SWEET!

If you look closely they glitter!!

Sugardaddy Cupcake's has the biggest fan on the West side of town. The boys and I discovered this heavenly vanilla aroma filled store in an outing to the mall. We drooled with envy as we walked by. Our next visit to the mall, provided giving this place a try and I regret that I didn't try it the first time (secretly my waist will weigh all the regrets). Simply delightful and a promise too better any mood!

Loving until the end...

2010-03-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

It amazes me to this day the kind of world we all co-exist in. The saddest part about it is we all fail to politely co-exist. Days get shorter as we age, yet troubles arise as quick as days go bye. When do we all learn that giving is so much more than taking, that sharing is better than receiving, that the hard truth is better than skating around unspoken truths or lies. The tangled webs we weave...

My emotions are all over the place lately...I chalk this up to feeling just so overly blessed that I have three "perfect" little boys and an overwhelming sense of peace. In their short lives we have struggled, but in those struggles we all (family) have seen so much beauty! It's in those struggles that I was blessed, and truly feel that my life has changed. I don't take friendships, relationships or days for granted. I may have become distant to some, but in that distance I have found peace with others. I value my few close friends with the highest regards, realizing that friendships aren't about quantity but quality. I'd rather have a few close friends than too many to value a person for their true potential worth.

Last night in my struggles of feeling weak I called my friends, seeking answers as to why? The whys of others; one will never understand. It is in talking to Brandee, that I am greeted with laughter. It's in talking to my ex-husband, Shane that he begins to understand...he's a good rock to have on my side. It's in talking to Shawn that I can freely cry and his imaginary shoulder is there to cry upon, he is the best phone-a-friend EVER! It's with Jason that I can question a man, their ways of thinking, he is an amazing wing man!

You see these people believe in me. They don't feel sorry for Cash, Beau or any of us, they just simply embrace my life with the challenges it at times presents. They offer the support I so long for and need. I recently realized that friendships/relationships shouldn't be confusing. If you belong in a circle of friends or in a relationship you'll know, with my family and my chosen friends I know. It's nice to have one thing in life that I don't have to question or second guess myself about.

This isn't to say that I don't miss my "old" friends, but at this point in my life I just needed a refreshing. I miss them all dearly! I have found comfort in so many, that may never even know that they have touched my life...Staci reads my blog and is a cheerleader on the sides. Nisha has a beautiful daughter who has CCHS and she is just a positive breathe of fresh air. Ann who is remarkable, I look up to her and have since the day I found a simple post by her on the trach boards. Kimberly who I meet through the boys' old sitter Kadee, both of them LOVE life and their families and each radiates remarkable beauty. Megan a beautiful girl with CCHS who loves life, just the same way I know my Cashie will. It's within so many people that I found myself and I am grateful!

Truthfully, my life is so far from perfect. I am exhausted, tired of fighting all these battles alone, tired of endless calls of non-support. Suggestions are given by those who have never walked to the mailbox in my shoes. Shocked that "he" found someone before I did, I now chuckle, but it hurt for a moment. Irritated that people have nothing better to do than judge, when they should be mending their own wounds.

I try to wear a tough exterior, because inside pieces of me are so broken up that if I let my guard down I may momentarily drown in a sea of tears. It's hard for me to grasp that cruelness of the world we live in, the games that bring out the joys in others pains. It's hard to understand why we all can't just treat each other kindly, compassionately and honestly. It kills me...we all make mistakes, we have all had 'bad" judgement calls but that's simply because we're human. We are supposed to live and learn.

Yet, it's in the above comments that I know "me". I know that I am have skeletons in my closet. I know that I have made bad judgement calls. I am human. It took me years, but I have learned patience, acceptance and found my faith. I am not one to preach my religious believes on anyone, but feel it necessary to preach almost daily that LIFE is what you make it. I have and will continued to be and feel defeated, but its in those moments of defeat that I dig deeper and believe in me. I will continue to dance my way through days, trying so hard to teach the boys that any one of their wildest dreams can and will come true with a little imagination, positivity and kindness. Through my life I have learned that my greatest blessing has been becoming a mom to three little men. Within that blessing I have learned the riches of loving until the end...

May God grant you always...A sunbeam to warm you, a moonbeam to charm you, a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to cheer you. Faithful friends near you. And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you. ~ Irish Blessing

Big Love...absolutely

2010-03-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

Our friendship started years ago, I remember clearly one night standing in a street declaring that the best years of our short lives had definitely been 17. Blame this on the Tim McGraw cd that blarred endlessly in everyone's cd players at the time. If I think back I clearly remember the Mobil Gas Station having $.99 gas too!

It was labor day weekend I was seventeen

I bought a coke and some gasoline

And I drove out to the county fair

When I saw her for the first time
She was standing there in the ticket line

And it all started right then and there

Oh, a sailer's sky made a perfect sunset

And that's the day I'll never forget

Tim McGraw ~ Something Like That

Brandee was a great friend when I was growing wildly through my youth. We frequented the bars together before any of us were actually 21. We had similar taste in the boys and had like crushes on more than one boy.

Since moving back to Glendale, Brandee and I have once again become great friends. Our lives have slightly changed...we're both mothers to handsome little boys and were now in our thirties. BUT I feel like we never missed a day. She is a great friend and the boys and I are blessed to be a part of her world.

She is funny, so funny! She is honest, very out-going, she has a sparkling personality and is so sincere. She truly has a heart of gold and I am blessed to call her one of my greatest friends and lucky enough to tease that she is my sisterwive.

Sister-wive: (urbandictionary.com)

A female (family member/friend), who is a sister (or like a sister), who helps (usually another female) frequently with cleaning, cooking, childcare, other household duties, etc.

Brandee has helped on numerous occasion watching Beau, while Cash was hospitalized. She would visit the hospital just for chats, or to bring me much needed non-hospital food. No words could ever thank her enough for just being her! (I love her husband Pappy too, without him watching the boys I wouldn't have been blessed with her company)

On top of being fantastic, she is a stay at home mom during the day and spends her nights doing hair. She does a fantastic job covering my grays! I would simply be lost without her, her impression on my heart has always been everlasting! What more can I say than I adore her and her family!

For those of you in AZ, if you are looking to find a new stylist, you have to visit Brandee at Salon De Cheveux, she is fantastic!

Battle Scars

2010-03-03T12:40:00.000-08:00

Cash spent the past 12 days admitted to Phoenix Children's Hospital. The night he was admitted I clearly said to my mom through streaming tears that I don't know how much longer or how much more I could take. Living in those stress filled, fast paced anxious moments as a parent scares you nearly to death. You begin praying, begging for it all to be taken away...even offering all that you are to make your child healthy, all you want is to simply take the pain away!

Eventually that horrific rush calms itself. You breathe in and out as you have always done, your heart rate slows and you stand back looking at your child. You see past all the tubes wires and IV lines and it's in that moment that you now realize your child is stronger than strong, braver than brave and that once again they will fight and make their way through the new round of challenges.

I have said it before and will say it again, each time is worse than the time before. Maybe it's Cash's age, or the fact that each hospital visit seems to get longer, more problematic.

Being in a children's hospital is so different than a trauma hospital. Every patient here is just that a child. They are all here for one reason and that is to fight. Adults roam the halls, many of them being Doctors, nurses and hospital staff. Among them walk parents. You can spot a parent a mile away, they walk quietly through the halls starring at the floor tiles, doing everything possible just to blend in. You occasionally catch the glance of a parent wearing a designated bracelet and I silently wonder why they are here. We all have tired eyes, worried faces but underneath that a whole lot of hope.

As a parent of a special needs child and one who is frequently ill due to his needs, you feel even more pressure to protect. Cash's arms, hands and feet all have numerous scars from multiple IV sticks. These I call his battle scars. He is the one who has had to endure the pain, the numerous pokes, blown veins...which now presents the trouble of finding a decent one, he is strictly an IV Team stick, meaning that nurse are not allowed to poke him for IV's. This is something that I find fabulous about Phoenix Children's. It safes Cash tears and me a little bit of heartache.

I am forever grateful to the staff at Phoenix Children's, they made a lasting impression on us during our first visit to the hospital. The nurses and cpt's were fantastic, always asking if we needed anything. I was nervous about the change, but was thrown into it quickly with Cash's hospital stay and couldn't be more thrilled with the medical team that is now on his side.

Cash was discharged this morning. Like any typical two-year-old Cash wanted to walk as he left the fourth floor. He was so determined, that I couldn't help but grin ear to ear. His smile was HUGE, his walk unsteady due to the latest seizure, but he walked out of his room and through the hospital to the front door. Tears filled my eyes, but they were of pure JOY! Here was a kid diagnosed with Epilepsy after having yet another grand mal seizure, who walked rigidly out of the hospital. He is a fighter and I am his proud mother!

Thank you again to all of you who prayed for Cash and my family! I am forever blessed to live the life I love, with the greatest family and friends! Thank you!

Someone Special

2010-03-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

We all look endlessly for that special someone. The one we eye who is beyond beautiful. One who is confident and secure. Someone who is laugh-out-loud funny, with a personality that can only be described as delicious. Someone who is sexy, in such a subtle and natural way, that they don't even try.

This someone knows exactly what they want. They achieve their wants and desires on their own. Working hard to set, create and pursue their dreams. One who celebrates their own ideas and desires. Yet, at the same time, they realize just how important it is to share their dreams, desires and goals with another.

One who's mind is as strong as their heart is gold. One who yearns to feel that which so many have given up hope for. They enjoy moments shared. They believe that their dreams can and will come true. Yet understand that dreams have to be earned, their not freely given.

We all search for that special someone...

You know you have found someone special when you can't stop thinking about them. You struggle to find words worthy enough to convey the attraction you feel. The warmth of their touch is a comfort you have never known. You have dreamed about this person a thousand times.

Truth: Relationships are risky, you put yourself in an uncomfortable, unknowing situation all just in the heels of hope. Hoping to find the one who makes moments magical. Times treasured and the rest of the world just existing as you dance through days.

As a relationship grows through respect would come absolute trust. We all have experienced heartache and through mended hearts you begin to feel.

When one is willing and ready to let go, its then that desire to attract can begin. You radiate. You feel free, letting go of fears and insecurities puts a gleam in ones eye.

Bachelor: I watch, yes I do. I learned tonight that while Vienna wasn't the girl I chose for Jake, that it didn't matter. Because it was he who felt, dreamed and found the girl he had dreamed of a thousand times.

Tonight I close my eyes and dream. Will he be dark and handsome, squarely and secure...The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. Sweetest Dreams!

Gift of Reasonings

2010-02-26T21:49:00.000-08:00

I thought to myself today after posting pictures of Cash on my blog and on Facebook, how others may perceive the notion. Truth is, this is our life. This is what my parents, Beau, Kai and myself deal with on a regular basis. One minute we are enjoying the zoo, a few days later scrambling to cover work shifts, baby sitting and praying more than usual for the youngest member of our family to make it home quickly and most importantly healthy.

They say there are moments that open up your life like a walnut being cracked, that change your point of view so that you never look at things in the same way again. Cash was my moment, since his arrival things, life, outlooks have all change...I see the world differently than I once understood it. Each day is definitely a little a brighter, I'm more appreciating of its contents and they all seem to be full of promise; no moment taken for granted.

Many of us have faced fairly intense bumps in the road...

We all wish at one point or another that we could have said the things burning our lips...daring to be released.

Point is we all want, we all desire. My wish is that if Cash can teach anyone anything, its simply to never stop believing. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged to hear the word trach, Epilepsy, ng tube, blood transfusion...the list is never ending, but my point is; Cash to me is a gift.

I typically find myself to be selfish, I don't like to share and like things done in a way I'm used too. So I share our life, my world...Cash. I don't post pictures or blog looking for sympathy but rather to help, to make some realize just how truly fortunate they are, or to help people understand the thought process of those who may have a special needs child. I could be your neighbor, the woman in front of you at the grocery store or the stay-at-home mom that picks her kids up daily. Cash has a heart of gold and as his mother I feel his and our story should be shared. If anything, maybe someone reading this will hold their child a little closer, kiss their husband/wife just because...that's my point or what I can offer by sharing our lives...Just HOPE!

For where your treasure is,
there will your heart be also.
Matthew 6:21

It has been a week

2010-02-26T12:43:00.000-08:00

Last Friday our day was spent like this...

My Friday evening turned into this...

My week has been this...

This morning I received this...

A smiling toddler throwing me his bear...I told you I had more than enough to be thankful for! While this mood was only a slight burst of energy it was overly welcomed! I have the biggest smile on my face, even thinking of it now. I am home for a few hours with Beau who ignores me thanks to the Wii, and to pick Kai up from school. Cash has been placed on antibiotics due to a growing infection in his trach culture. I am hoping for discharge Sunday even if that means heading home with a NG Tube. Thanks again for all the support we have received.

On a personal note: Dad hurry home safely soon, Texas may swallow ya whole! Cash loves his bear...thank you!

Thankful Thursday

2010-02-25T19:50:00.000-08:00

Today I have so much to be thankful for...everyday I am thankful, but today has been remarkable.

I stepped out of the hospital today, to head home to shower, gather belongings and just to breathe. I am thankful that my dad sat at Cash's bedside for a much needed break.

The first place I headed was to Kai's school. I haven't seen my world since Friday, it has been the longest 6 days of my life without seeing his beautiful little face. Once at Kai's school to dismiss him for early withdrawal I was told I'd have to wait while he finished his test, it was the longest ten minutes of my life. When he rounded the corner and our eyes met I bursted into tears, his smile was a bright as the mid day sun. Oh how I had missed my boy. I was thankful to have my arms wrapped around him and ever so thankful that his dad takes such great care of him.

The minute drive from the school to our house left me in anticipation as I knew my heart waited inside the front door. I greeted Danielle who thankfully has helped watch Beau this week, she has been a lifesaver! Beau heard my voice and around the counter came my wild-penny haired boy. His blue-grey eyes beaming, with a sly smile covering his face, in my arms he was welcomed. As always a perfect fit, there is nothing like an embrace after an absence.

These little moments today lifted my spirits and lightened the weight off of my shoulders. I am thankfully to be the mother to 3 wonderfully charming little men.

Cash has been through hell this week, but I am thankful for the generosity and kindness we have received from the hospital staff and new team of medical doctors. I was aware that a change was necessary and am glad that we finally took that much needed leap. I pray daily that we never experience another grand mal seizure in our lives, the second was worst than the first. Cash had a NG tube (feeding tube) placed today after refusing to eat and being on IV fluids for 96 hours. Tonight Cash took finally took a bottle. This has me above the moon.

Thankful is an understatement for this Thursday! I know I have said it a million times before but truly can not thank everyone enough for their thoughts, prayers and for the help this week with the boys and my family. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by some amazing people near and far. Thank you all for touching my heart.

On a side note I always preferred a sunset to a sunrise. However this year I have seen more breathless sunrises than one can imagine. While all but one of them have been out a hospital window, they all leave me feeling refreshed. The way the sun rises over the mountains. The dazzling platelet of the morning sky bursting of strawberry golden rays...breathtaking!

Cash Update (was on FB)

2010-02-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

Cash is still at Phoenix Children's Hospital recovering from RSV.

Respiratory syncytial virus, or RSV, is a respiratory virus that infects the lungs and breathing passages. Most otherwise healthy people recover from RSV infection in 1 to 2 weeks. However, infection can be severe in some people, such as certain infants, young children, and those with chronic respiratory conditions.

Last year Cash qualified for Synagis® an RSV prevention shot through insurance due to his history of chronic lung disease. Snagsis is given as a shot, usually in the thigh muscle, each month during the RSV season. Cash received these shots from Oct. '08 to April '09 and thankfully had a fairly healthy winter.

While Cash was brought in to the ER on Friday in respiratory distress, a bigger issue arose when he had his second grand mal seizure. Cash has been diagnosed with Epilepsy and will be weaned from his Keppra dosage and placed on Depakote. Cash had a repeat EEG yesterday afternoon that showed once again slow brain form for his age. Thankfully he has remained seizure free while hospitalized.

Cash had an abdominal ultra sound due to a mass found in his belly. This is typical for Cash for he is always backed up...they found nothing but stool and an enlarged spleen. Cash has since been placed on Miralax to clean out his system. GI is working with us to test Cash's GI mobility to check whether it functions properly at this point. Cash will have a change in feeds, allergy testing and additional labs ran to check his liver function.

Labs...Cash has had two lab draws both of which have been abnormal. One lab shows to much of something (I lose track) which could be caused by the liver, brain or bone production. He will have additional labs today to test even further regarding his organs, possible allergies and a full metabolic screen.

Speech therapy has ordered that Cash be on thickened feeds due to aspirations, which could contribute to the numerous respiratory infections. He was placed on Simply Thick Nectar Gel to aid in this process.

Basically my mind is on over load, I'm tired! This medical staff here has been phenomenal! I do feel that the change was needed and it has been welcomed. Cash is in good hands and will hopefully be discharged in the next 48-72 hrs. I miss the boys and our home; Cash does too. I am thankful for the help of my parents, Danielle (Mike's gf), Shane for helping with Kai and my gf Brandee's visit (she is so funny).

Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers. They are very much appreciated and we truly believe in the power of prayer.

Torn...

2010-02-22T13:34:00.000-08:00

As a mother of three little boys I often find myself torn on how to satisfy their needs as well as my own on a daily basis. This post is more of a confession I guess of my heart.

Sitting along bedside with Cash, I am in love. He has the perkiest little lips, the longest eye lashes and the cutest dimples on his chin. I remember clearly seeing Cash in the NICU before he was air vac'd and remember falling in love with his delicate features. Features so sweet, loving and forgiving to all he has had to endure.

Yet, sitting here bedside I want nothing more than to look into the blue grey eyes of Beau and ask him for sugars (kisses). My dad called yesterday and told me that he found Beau asleep on the bed with the wii remote in hand with a picture of he and I on the screen. Tears filled my eyes cause there was no where in the world I wanted to be than curled up next to my sweet boy. My dads voiced cracked as he questioned how the pictures got there and as he realized that Beau missed his mom just as much as I missed him.

Kai thankfully spent the weekend with his daddy. His dad is fantastic with him and with Beau and Cash. His love for all the boys is to be admired. Kai has recovered nicely from his ruptured ear drum and got to go mudding with his dad in the Jeep, he had a blast! Nothing was better than hearing a smile behind his voice.

I spend sleepless days and nights with Cash. Any one who has an ill child will tell you the same, you just can't pull away. I have to be in so many places at once that I am beyond tired and literally exhausted. Beep...Beep...Beep, Cash's oxygen saturation continues to drop he currently rests at 84%, not a fantastic number for being on 2 liters of oxygen. Another reason you never leave, I'd miss these moments as surely they probably wouldn't be relayed.

So here I sit, actually lay on a make shift bed, covered head to toe in blankets with freezing feet. I long to pick up the boys from school and play on the side of the campus, to fight Kai with completing his homework and to play the wii that I despise with Beau. I miss having the boys together and realize how much of an impact this has on us all. Kai fears that Cash may die, never to come home. Beau is just lost and lonely looking for his mom. Thankfully my family pulls together and offers much needed support. My girlfriend visits the hospital for chats, my brothers girl friend Danielle uses paid vacation to help with the boys, my parents scramble to make sure all of us are taken care of.

I never wanted this life, hurt previously for those who had to endure it. I'm just so thankful that I have support along side of me, I'd be lost without it and them. So many times I emotionally distance myself from the situation, you get tired of shedding tears, or being reminded of how strong people feel you are. I am weaker than many know, positive thinking keeps me focused by even my vision becomes hazy. Torn between hospital and home, kids needs and needs of my own...I am simply selfish.

Quick Happenings

2010-02-21T15:45:00.000-08:00

Cash had another grand mal seizure on Friday evening and is still in the hospital. We are at a new hospital (Phoenix Children's) due to our insurance change with new doctor's and medical teams looking at Cash's cares. Things have been busy and it is taking us awhile to get used to the new settings.

Wednesday:

The boys and I hit the zoo with my girlfriend Brandee and her two boys. The weather here in AZ was beautiful, we all ended up getting a little sun! The boys had a blast and we now own season passes to frequent the zoo as often as we would like for a year. (Thanks Granny)

Thursday:

Uneventful day, picked up Kai from school and he cried about a tooth ache. We picked up meds and he was asleep before 6. After a night of moaning and no sleep, I decided to keep Kai home from school. The day wore on and at times he was as crazy as can be until the pesty tooth ache occurred. Low and behold...ruptured ear drum. So Kai and I spent Thursday evening at Goodnight Pediatrics.

Friday:

Granny came down to the Valley, yes I have a 92 year old grandmother who still drives and functions as if she were 20 years younger...she makes me tired. The boys and I joined her and my parents for lunch (Cash stayed home with his nurse). The day was great. Friday evening Kai joined his dad for the weekend, Beau and I went to Brandee's so Beau could play with Branson and so that I could get my hair done. We had a fantastic dinner cooked by Pappy, my hair has no more grays which is a plus and Beau and Branson shared. This is BIG for them they are literally 3 months apart and struggle to see who is going to be the Alpha in the friendship.

Upon returning home, I found Cash asleep. Before long his pulse ox began to alarm with his heart rate through the roof 200's. I uped his oxygen to 2 liters and made the call to the Pulmonologist. Not knowing Cash's history they recommended that he brought into the ER. We checked his temp before 102.6, so Motrin was given. Once at the ER we were admitted quickly, it was in triage that Cash began to seize sitting in his stroller. This seizure was longer and in my opinion worse than the first.

So we sit at the Children's hospital. Blood labs were pulled today. He has had an echo and abdominal ultrasound. Met with Neuro today who has diagnosed Cash with Epilepsy. Another chapter for us begins.

A date with...

2010-02-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

Tuesday's are reserved for a date with my heart, my darling Beau-Beau. I cherish these one-on-one moments that we get to share. I remember being pregnant with Beau and Kai and I would do everything together he was my minnie me. So it's on Tuesday's that I get to enjoy my time with my little man who I call my heart!

(To be fair...Kai is my world, my first born my everything. Cash my life, I give every last breathe to ensure he keeps breathing)

Tuesday mornings after dropping off Kai at school, Beau and I head to the library for Toddler Story Time. This was introduced to us by my girl friend Brandee. I jump at any opportunity to get Beau involved in a new group activity. This happened to be a perfect fit. Beau is acclimating himself to the group and the activities and slowly beginning to participate. He enjoys playing on the computers and picking out a handful of books for nightly readings.

Sahuaro Ranch Park is located just outside the library so we frequently see plenty of wildlife freely roaming the parking lot. This morning I handed the camera to Beau and he captured what his eyes saw...

A great eye if I do say so myself, I am pleased with his picture taking...a great shot!

After the Toddler Story Time, Beau and I met up with his friend Jayden and my girl friend Megs, who Beau calls "Auntie Mess". Beau was thrilled to head to Peter Piper Pizza, this was a summer activity shared with us all on a regular basis when we lived in Buckeye. Beau misses our home and will frequently ask to go to "Curtis' house". He asks for his friends, his cousin Skyler and his toy room.

Who wouldn't the boys had an awesome play room.

Beau and Jayden fit together just the way best friends do. There may have been distance between their last visit but they took off like they saw each other yesterday. Megs and the kids are like family to us. They spent many of nights in our company and at our home, endless bonds were formed. The same held true for Megs and I we caught up on old times and shared stories of days spent and shared.

Jayden, Beau and I

Baby Tayler Ryann (Cash's Girly Friend)

Megs & I

Our Boys...Beau & Jayden

Today was a great date day with my heart. Beau and I had a fantastic time and enjoyed seeing great friends. I miss my old life, my home, my old routine. It seemed so much simpler back then, yet I wouldn't change where I am today for anything in the world. I feel free, alive and at peace. Last night lost in thought I wrote...

It was the darkness of the night that I remember making so many wishes on the brightest of stars. Thoughts, dreams and memories dance in the shadows of the night. Flooding every emotion like a long lost wind...

It was the thought of seeing Megs today, remembering our nights spent laying on the pool deck staring at the beautiful night sky, where she and I shared drinks, memories, hopes and dreams. You can't find friendship like that anywhere, she loves me through my mistakes, supports me through my triumphs and most importantly can honestly tell me her feelings without fear. She is the little sister I never had until the day she walked into my life.

What a Terrific Tuesday!

Heart Day Weekend

2010-02-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

Friday I returned home to see boxes sitting in the foyer. I seriously hate box delivers, they usually include all of Cash's medical supplies. As I began to open the boxes putting the supplies away, I came across a box that smelt heavenly. I looked over the box and found the words I love...LUSH!

I love LUSH handmade products, it is my secret obsession. Never before had I opened a box so quickly in all my life. The contents in that box made my month. Once thumbing through the box I came across a card from the boys that stated, " Every Mother deserves a little peace and quiet. Love your Boys!" I am thankful to have mastermind behind this gift, the thoughtfulness is always appreciated!

Saturday, the boys and I were to have a day at the zoo spent with Uncle Mike and his family. Poor Kai and cousin Nana fell ill Friday night so the zoo was out of the question. Grammy picked Kai for some fun Valentine fun. Memo and I packed up the cupids and made a last minute Kai Valentine run. We had all intentions of taking Beau and Cash to the park, but nap time came early! We headed home and watched the first Busch race of the season a perfect Saturday!

Sunday was Valentine's Day, not my favorite day in the world. I believe love should be given every day not as a Hallmark holiday. I truly feel that words and actions should be spoken at well, not because you feel forced to do so by a calendar date. I however, showered the boys with heart boxes filled with chocolates and small gifts for all. I love my little men! This year I ordered my mom a photo book, it was delightful to see her face as she skimmed a book of memories made just for her.

The boys and I had the delight of spending the afternoon celebrating the 1st birthday of Kylie Ann. She was absolutely adorable and the kids had a blast. I enjoyed seeing old friends...it's funny how ten years later people don't change they just create. It was a great day, with the longest Daytona NASCAR race known to man!

Hope everyone enjoyed their Heart Day Weekend as much as we did!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-12T19:58:00.001-08:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thinking in?

2010-02-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

Last night I sat down to watch Temple Grandin and HBO showing and was in tears. Having a child with Autism once struck me as "odd", now just a way of life. I am ever so thankful and blessed that I noticed Beau's "differences" early on. I am thankful that he began therapies early, early intervention has played a HUGE role in his overall development.

Temple Grandin, Ph.D., is the most accomplished and well-known adult with autism in the world. Based on personal experiences, Grandin advocates early intervention to address autism, and supportive teachers who can direct fixations of the autistic child in fruitful directions. She has described her hypersensitivity to noise and other sensory stimuli in a collection of books written from her personal life experiences with Autism.

Grandin compares her memory to full-length movies in her head that can be replayed at will, allowing her to notice small details that would otherwise be overlooked. While I will never truly know the way Beau's mind works, it was amazing to see the way a spectrum mind may work.

During the show Grandin was described as different but not less. This stuck with me cause I always described Beau to Kai as different, but unique, explaining that he sees the world differently. Kai knows his brother is on the Autism spectrum and can and will proudly tell the world that, "Beau has Autism and sees the world differently."

So it sticks...different but not less!

Noises, animals, shadows and lights....their different when seen through Temple Grandin's eyes...possibly seen different through my Beau's.

Beau laid in my lap as I continued to watch Temple Grandin, one scene shows her struggle to complete a science project. Pictures flash over and over through her mind. I sat holding Beau tightly and wondered about his thoughts. After Temple successfully completes the science project she and the class celebrate by letting off a rocket. Temple stands outside with the class and as the class counts down Temple covers her ears...when the rocket takes off on TV a half sleeping Beau startles and covers his ears...

I proudly love my son who is Autistic!

Awakened!

2010-02-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

So after my major melt down last night, and the shedding of a pound of tears I faced today as I would any day...NEW! I'm going to be honest and say that this is the first day, since the school year started that I have ever spent all day in my pj's. So while I wasn't completely up to par I faced the day.

Tonight I found this...It was just what I needed, when I couldn't find the words...they found me on one of my chat boards...my coping mechanism!

By Lori Borgman
May 12, 2002

My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the ages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes. Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said. Mothers lie.

Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin.

Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two).

Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class.

Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want. Some mothers get babies with something more.

Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close.

Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.

Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime? I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.

As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echo cardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body.

Everybody will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it. Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day.

How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists hammering in your ear.

I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike.

I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one -- saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this. You didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God! Choose me! I've got what it takes." You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you.

From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule.

You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require intense and aggressive the next. You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability.

You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law.

You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more. You're a wonder.

I had a dream...

2010-02-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

I had a dream once that included adding another little boy to my family. My pregnancy with Cash was so uneventful...beautiful! Here I was the woman who hated being pregnant and with him I enjoyed everything, the weight, my crazy ice obsession and quiet honestly I felt amazing. When I found out that Cash was a boy...I cried. I made it all the way out of the doctor's office to the elevator before I broke down in tears. I so badly just wanted a chance to have pig tails and bouncing curls. I longed for that little "Laney Mae". Looking back typing this I sob...how simple it was to dream of a girl when ultimately I just wanted a healthy baby.

Once the shock wore off of having another little boy, I began to appreciate the simpleness of adding another little boy into the mix. I'm not a fan of pink, so that was to be easily avoided; not to mention that my house was already boy proof. I had balls, cars and trains galore...I once again dreamed of Cash and he was to be the perfect fit! My love for music soon became his theme...all the boys had a theme. Kai simply Hawaiian, Beau my little cowboy...he still is and Cash well he definitely rocked into our world!

Cash's theme...

I find myself at times like these searching for the words, the reasons and the whys as to why I am so sad tonight. I literally spent tonight watching The Bachelor with Kai. I watched him...stared at him in awe as his face lite up with emotion as he watched Jake confess his love to 4 different woman. It was in those few hours, that I feel in love with one of my sons again. In those rare moments when you appreciate the journey. But it's the memories of the journey that rocked me to my core. The memories of fear, the feelings of hopelessness that you hide so deeply that somehow once in a blue moon manage to resurface.

When Cash was born and shown to me blue...I prayed that my dreams would stay simple. Here it was a Thursday, I went to work as scheduled. Friday was to be my last day working before his scheduled and anticipated arrival. I left work a little early to head to my last OB appointment before my scheduled c-section. It was at that appointment that my blood pressure was high. After a few long minutes with no change in my bp I was told that today I'd be having a baby! What?? My bag was at home, my kids still at the sitters...I had to work the next day! I returned to that elevator where I sobbed months prior and once again began to sob. I was scared to death. Beau was just a baby, Kai still in diapers and here I was having another little boy. Oh how I dreamed of his delivery...Kai would be there to see his brother. We had a camera, crayons, snacks and games packed in a bag just for him!

After a pregnant pause and thoughts gathered I began placing calls to work, family and friends that the baby was coming. I secretly tried to head home to get my packed bag only to be stuck on the I-10 by an accident. I eventually retreated, understood that the bag was a lost cause and once at the next freeway exit turned and headed towards the hospital...not exactly the delivery I had dreamed of.

Tonight I spent time going through pictures of those first few day. You may think it is pure torture to do so, but it helps. It shows me what I have made it through. No one can even understand or try to understand the hurt, the fear you feel unless they have had that same feeling of your child being taken away. The emptiness of walking out of a hospital empty handed without a tiny bundle of joy. It is in those moments, that I feel to this day my dreams had been robbed from me.

You see I fear helicopters, especially yellow ones. I look at this picture and others like it and see my family watching hopelessly as the newest member of our family is being whisked away. Taken away in hopes of finding a reason, hopes of gathering answers as to why Cash can't breathe. One in a million chance they told me it could be genetic...this is the best place for your son to be, that yellow helicopter flew away taking with it dreams.

My reality tonight is clouded. I hurt and not because I'm sad, but because of all the things my family, my children and those closest too me have to endure due to my dreams. I write and frequent special needs chat boards as a coping mechanism for my hurt and pain. It helps me deal with those few moments of why me...it's when I write or other mothers post their fears and anxieties on the boards that I don't feel so alone. Other special needs babies are born, new moms speak out looking for anyone...some one who may just understand, the lonely empty feeling that can and does wash over you.

As a mother with special needs children you flock to others (parents) who have walked in similar shoes of disappointment. Never do you find your child or children to be disappointing but the situation and outcome weren't the one you longed for and dreamed so many dreams about. But tonight after releasing my fears and emotions I understand that I have a good thing going. My heart is full and it was tonight in those boards that I was reminded that life is so beautiful...that I am still able to dream. That life is precious, sometimes cut way too short but still worth dreaming about!

Ready to face my fears and feel...is laying down her head, closing her eyes and is off to a place where she writes her own happy ending...

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream That I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream. ~ Priscilia Ahn (Dream)

10 B's

2010-02-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

The top ten B's according to Beau are:

Baba (bottle)

Board (wii)

Bowling

Baseball

Buzz (Lightyear)

Beautiful (my favorite)

Bolt

Branson (my darling friends son, his buddy)

Bean (Jelly beans and or Kidney Beans)

Blue (as in the blue bag of Dorito's)

The Quest for...

2010-02-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

February is the month that single women dread and most men secretly despise. Lonely souls around the world are reminded for the first 14 days of the month that they are on the never ending Quest for True Love!

As a single woman, a day dreamer and hopeless romantic...I dislike red roses, chocolates in heart boxes and the color pink (kinda cliche)! However, I do absolutely love Valentine's Day! There is no greater day in the year to be reminded that the greatest blessing that all of us are given is the ability to LOVE!

I am in no way shape or form knocking those who are in loving and committed relationships, truth is I'm actually jealous. My jealousy has me reading and rereading every Nicholas Sparks book known to man...he unfortunately has led this day dreamer to set my man standard so high that I believe that fairytale endings are actually attainable. While waiting to find the perfect toad turned prince; You can bet your sweet kisser that I will be venturing out to see his newest book turned film, Dear John.

"Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever." (Dear John)

"I don't know that love changes. People change. Circumstances change." (Dear John)

Being in a loving relationship has its benefits, no doubt about it. Being in a relationship helps us to feel "normal", not lonely! Being single is seldom seen as a choice, loneliness is more often seen as boring, depressing, sad...need I go on!?! Being single for me wasn't an easy choice or one that I made lightly, it was actually something that was presented to me. I took the cards that I was dealt and it took tears, heartache and a lot of self discovery to really understand and to appreciate my new found adventure.

On a lighter single note, I kinda like being single it's a rejuvenating experience. It allows me to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want. It allows for the quiet solitude that I crave and desire, the advantage of not having to please another constantly and the ability to watch endless re-runs of the Jersey Shore!

Honestly it allows me to dream, to hope and seek out my happy ending (cause I know positively one is in store for me)! Without the Quest for True Love we'd miss out on so many great experiences. Some of those experiences leave us heart broken while others take our breath away. My Quest for True Love has currently left me single, I LIE and say I'm perfect lonely but truthfully I'm just waiting for butterflies!

Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Sex in the City

Phil vs. Chuck

2010-02-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

The celebration of Groundhog Day began with Pennsylvania's earliest settlers. They brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, "For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May..."

On February 2, Punxsutaney Phil comes out of his burrow on Gobbler's Knob - in front of thousands of followers from all over the world - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.

BUT...there's always a "but"

Staten Island Chuck, who resides in the Staten Island Zoo in Staten Island, New York is noted as the official groundhog meteorologist of New York City. He also comes out on February 2, to predict the duration of winter.

Both groundhogs makes the prediction of the duration of winter based on whether or not they see their shadows on the morning of Groundhog Day. According to legend, if the groundhog sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring. So with that being said...

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, But Staten Island Chuck didn't see his...what does this mean? Is it possible that one groundhog is better at predicting the weather than the other!?! At this point I'm wondering if the National Weather Service is even needed...after all, the groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.

So who do you trust?

Phil

A legend to Groundhogs Day, around for 120 years

(even though a typical groundhog lives roughly 7 to 8 years)

Chuck

Made Famous for biting Mayor Bloomberg's finger in 2009

The Lil' Things ~ LOVE

2010-02-01T15:13:00.000-08:00

Its the way you pull my finger and drag me into another room just to show me what you desire. The way your little finger points to the third shelf in the pantry and your hands rub "please" across your belly. The screeching noise of a scooting chair across the tile floor as you position the chair at the counter in hopes of reaching for a drying bottle. Its the little things you do that make me admire you.

You are a remarkable little boy! Anyone and everyone who meets you, adores you! Its hard not too. Your strength is contagious, your fight for life is addicting and your smile lights any dampened moment. Your life has been filled with challenges, yet you prevail through each obstacle put within your way.

Tonight as we readied ourselves for bed you laid peacefully with a bottle in hand in your bed. You realize nightly that your brothers lay with mommy, tonight was no different than many others before. Except tonight you stood up, grabbed your pillow and pointed to your brothers sleeping on the bed. I comforted you and tried to lay you back down, your hesitation was intense as your pointer finger pointed directly at the bed. You had your pillow in your left hand as your right hand rubbed your belly "please" earnestly. It was in that moment my heart hurt. I know as your mommy that you are beyond your years. You can not communicate your wants like most of the world, but it doesn't mean you crave or desire any less. I scooped you in my arms and carried you to bed. You eagerly laid your head upon the pillow and a smile crossed your face. For the first time in 2 years I had all three of you in a bed resting. You snuggled into my body and it was more than a perfect fit, our eyes meet and we began to giggle. You leaned your head upon my lips waiting for a kiss, and unfortunately were smothered!

Tears didn't feel my eyes until the moment you grabbed my hand and placed it to your belly. You moved my hand around and around until I found and figured out just the way you liked it. I was in awe, falling in love with a moment being shared between us. No one mattered in all of the world in that given moment but you!

February is the month of LOVE and on this first day I feel nothing but love for you and your amazing brothers. You are like a crazy glue that holds everything together. Even when pieces come loose, or that beautiful vase breaks its your smile that reminds not only I but those around you that it's okay to be "broken". I find you absolutely amazing, you are truly a gift, a blessing and so many lessons can and have been learned by your persistent courage and unfading affection. Thank you for supplying me with rose colored glasses, for helping me find my FAITH and for allowing me to parent you.

Cash you are a BIG reason why I love today! I beyond adore you! You are so incredibly independent, happy-go-lucky and most definitely a free spirit!

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember; you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think! But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...you will always be with me. Always remember you don't get to leave me. I'm going to leave you in another 50 or 60 years my beautiful son.

xoxo ~ Maw

Review: WoW

2010-01-29T15:45:00.000-08:00

So things have been a little hectic around our house...

I shortly after posting that I felt amazing, began to feel anything but amazing. My throat hurt and before I knew it I was laid out on the couch, bed, floor or any other welcoming surface for close to a week. I thought I was going to die...I say this every time I am sick, but I'm rarely sick, so the statement is not that far over used.

Along with my death feeling illness, me little men all began to sneeze, hack, cough and boogers...oh my boogers! I blame this illness on Kai, yep my oldest. You see blame has to lie somewhere and all fingers point in his direction. It is he who missed school once again for the sore throat and horrible cough! He caught it in school passed it to me, I essentially gave it to my Beau and poor Cash unfortunately catches everything. If you haven't heard a trached kid sneeze or hiccup, I'd highly recommend it. It is one of the cutest things ever!

Once the illness gave way and we all began to return to normal, with the exception of Cash who is still on constant oxygen, my dad went back into a-fib! This is one family with heart and lung issues...WTH! So after asking for a stethoscope in the middle of the night and making an emergency doctors appt. the next day, he (dad) returned to the hospital for another cardio inversion last Thursday. Thankfully his heart is back on track and he recovered quickly.

During all the heart issues, the family dog Amber was supposed to be having surgery to repair her hip and torn ligaments within her leg. Amber's surgery was cancelled due to my dads pending heart issues. Amber did however undergo surgery this Wednesday. She is home and in lots of pain, she refuses to take her meds (reminds me of the way Cash used to be) and will be out of sorts for a few months.

WoW...

That's a review of the good, the bad and the gossip! There is actually more but I have an adorable two year old waking from his nap and I much rather have his hugs than sit here and type.

There is so much more too... I hate playing catch up!

A Helping Hand

2010-01-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

Many times in LIFE we are faced with decisions. It's in those moments of decisions that futures can be shaped, ones character can be destroyed or longing outcomes may await. But its in those moments that you fail to realize you have everything you need in the palm of your hand.

When you fall down, others may pick you up, but it's your hands that first brace for the reach. Your hands that wipe the tears from your eyes, your hands that cover your mouth when you laugh uncontrollably. Your hands that touch the beauty with which your eyes see.

Today I realized that I cried, laughed and most importantly felt....

Amazing - adjective

inspiring awe or admiration or wonder

It's 5 o'clock...

2010-01-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

Some evenings are welcomed with laughter, giggles and cheers. Other's well not so much...

Today has been a manic Monday for this household. Kai stayed home from school for the second day (missed Friday) in a row, due to a fever and the nasty cough. He has claimed my room to be his sick room so here it is 5 o'clock and this is what I find...

Kai camped out on his "germ blanket"

After continued whining from Beau for a juice ba a house has grown quiet. I search the house for Beau and found him...

Passed out in the front room with his juice ba in mouth hiding behind a chair!

Cash cries "MAWWW" from his bed, which means he needs another bottle or is in need of a diaper change! I find Cash wrestling in his bed he finally settles and I capture this...

The cutest two-year-old in the house with a swollen belly full of milk and in need of a diaper change!

What's 5 o'clock like in your house?

Confessions of a...

2010-01-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

I am a daydreamer, a night dreamer an all day thinker!

My brain goes a mile a minute. Many times while contemplating the task at hand I become like a bird in flight and my mind soars. I have a pen and paper around at all times in hopes of just catching that thought. The thoughts that take me to the special place that I can treasure all my own. A mixture of heart, soul, wishful thinking all the way down to my creative bone.

After having Cash, my mind flew to places I knew I would never see, experience or feel. I became emotionally distant from the world, my friends, my family and smothered my children. I tried keeping safe distances, because if by chance I lost it no one would know. I was very convincing even to myself, but in all honesty it was my flightless mind that kept me afloat. It was a sweet release a necessary letting go that my mind and thoughts offered me.

Now I want to rewind, start over because I regret not letting those around me know that I hurt. That at times the past few years were swallowing me whole. That if it wasn't for my flightless mind, that I would feel like all hope was gone. How many times I wanted to run and slip away.

My friends kid me cause I don't hug. Yet, it was in the other day that during a hug I confessed that through a cracking voice, tear filled eyes that I hurt. I walked away from that hug and felt normal, actually alive! So I will admit I want hugs, wanna cuddle and want to lose my emotionally distant front. I want nothing more than to feel and lose control of the fear of hurting. I frequently say to myself that I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all, but it's now that I realize I have to feel to hurt.

I am blessed to be a daydreamer, a night dreamer an all day thinker!

A sampling of random thoughts:

For a long time, I wait in vain. And then I feel as if I am witnessing a miracle, as he slowly raises his face towards the moon. Its the first night of the full moon, and for me, the memories will come. They always do...

HOME: a place where you laugh, learn and all grow together. It's always better when we're together!

You don't get to leave me. I'm going to leave you in another 50 or 60 years! (thoughts to Cash)

The truth...

2010-01-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

The truth is that Beau and I have been spending our free time when Cash has a nurse outside in the "Beau"tiful Arizona outdoors. Our highs have been in the low 70's and it's beyond lovely out!

Beau is beyond amazing. He has grown leaps and bounds. His vocabulary is remarkable and I am so PROUD! Time is going by so much faster than I could have imagined. He went from the chubbiest baby, to the tantrum throwing toddler to requesting his needs in such a short time. So Beau's request...

BASEBALL!

Can you say someone is ready for Spring Training!

Happy Birthday CASH!

2010-01-03T15:39:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today I was given a gift. He was bundled in a pink and blue stripped hospital blanket and shown to me blue. I knew in my drugged up state that something was wrong, but I had faith, that everything would be okay. That my baby boy who came unexpectedly early would be bigger than my dreams.

It was only a few short hours later that I begged and cried into my faith to help my son. Ready or not, my life was changing. My story changed and I began to believe in Miracles. Many around us offered encouraging words telling us that it was simply the "wimpy white boy syndrome", meaning boys are typically a little lazier when it comes to breathing on their own. Doctors told us it may be genetic, but chances of that happening are beyond rare; one in a million to be exact. All I knew is that I was the mother of a beautiful baby, who stole my heart even with tubes, wires and beeps galore.

Ultimately LIFE is a Miracle with Cash. He is determined, ever so charming and a brute. He is so strong and determined...he is 30 pounds of I will kick your butt! This I love so much about Cash, he never stops fighting. He makes you believe in Miracles, at least he does for me. I am so proud to be his mom. I am proud of the gifts his life has granted me.

Cash's life has given me strength that I never knew I had. His life has blessed me with humility. His life has introduced me to some amazing people. People who struggle and rejoice in their struggles just as I have done. People who have walked a few miles beside me, people who support me from afar, people who have ultimately become FRIENDS!

Our story continues and BOY what a difference you have made to so many lives! Life is simply a Miracle with you.

Look who's 2!

The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.

~Pablo Castals

Moving ON!

2010-01-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning to the most beautiful sunrise. The sun slowly rose over the snow covered hills and in that moment I breathed in the light of the day. It was breathtaking and it was in that moment I realized that my life has been too. The glowing crisp colors of an early day brought me back to life and helped me welcome in 2010.

I needed that breath of fresh air, the realization that things change, some for the better and others not so much. It’s in those moments of change that you soul search, you discover new strengths and bury away weaknesses. A challenge is how I would label 2009.

Many changes occurred in 2009, I was so ready to put the year behind me and move on. Some of the changes were definitely self induced, others just the turmoil of everyday life, the health of Cash, the list is everlasting. I think in the game of LIFE 2009 may have beaten me, yet I continue on…I still breathe.

The past year left me breathless in more than one occasion, but I am grateful to find myself still exploring. The boys (Beau & Cash) dad and I separated. Fortunately for me my parents opened their home to us. We left our home and the life we had created over the past 5 years. No words could ever thank my parents enough for the open door, the help, LOVE and support that they offer to the boys and I is monumental. As a single mother I feel like I am drowning, then a wild haired little boy cozies up against me and I suddenly fell high on life. Cash’s health continues to cause struggle, pain and glorified triumphs after we make it through another hospital stay. I turned 30 and am still waiting for it to be the year of my life! School became challenging with Cash’s increasing medical needs. This winter I finally began to believe that pigs really flew when all 3 boys experienced H1N1. My dad’s heart condition took its toll once again this October adding just another painstaking fear to life. Yet as stated before we all breathe and are still breathing.

Changes may have occurred, losses may have taken place, but in a rhythm line of idle days we move on. It’s a bitter sweet feeling to put another year behind you. Half of my heart was given, taken and healed in 2009, giving me the grip of the situation.

Ultimately I am still kind of at a loss.

Moving on to bigger, brighter days…Welcome 2010!

Squeakquel

2009-12-28T16:40:00.000-08:00

I am blessed with an amazing day nurse, Melissa. Cash immediately took to her, she is beyond great with him and they play for hours on end. I am positive that Melissa leaves her tired on her days spent with Cash.

Being a mom of three CrAzY little boys has its challenges. I am usually pulled in several directions throughout the course of the day. It's tough enough to shower let alone get something productive done. With that being said, I think at times the boys and I toughen Melissa's day. We are in the way of her doing her job effectively. The older boys are in constant competition for toys, wrestling around any given room or all three are running down the hall in screaming unison. So today I planned a field trip!

Kai, Beau and I went to the movies to see Alvin and The Chipmunks, The Squeakquel. The boys did fantastic in the showing and we all had a great time. I think Melissa enjoyed the calmness of the house as Cash enjoyed being spoiled. I am grateful to be able to spend individual time with all the boys and fell blessed that I have the opportunities to do so!

Sunday Seizure

2009-12-28T14:18:00.000-08:00

Cash has had another seizure, this one definitely not febrile, but so very real. It was a typical afternoon in our home and Cash wandered freely laughing and screaming as he chased Uncle Mike's dog Oscar through the home. This went on for way to long, but he and the dog seemed to be enjoying themselves.

All of sudden Cash was no longer screaming...he laid silently on the floor eyes crossed inward, ignoring all calls of his name. As I bent down beside him I noticed his mouth ticking and his hands clenched. My mind went blank. Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing. My brother continued to question from behind, "Is he seizing?", "Is he seizing?".

A minute seemed to last a life-time, my heart beating out of my chest. Cash was placed on Keppra earlier in the month and has sense become another kid. Why now is this happening? As a mom you always feel that guilt, the why me, the why my kid...is it something I did or could have prevented?

A call was placed this morning to the Neurologist and until then I keep my fingers crossed that this was simply an isolated incident.

Clouded Visions

2009-12-27T02:41:00.000-08:00

It was a cold night when my vision became cloudy. Nothing around me familiar and everything covered in a haze. My cloudy haze produced decisions beyond my better judgement, hurting myself and those who care/love me.

As the haze disappeared and my eyes focused into sight I realized that a major mistake had taken place. I couldn't change the course even though so very desperate to do so. My chest pounded out of control with disgust and disappointment. I questioned who I had become in that short period of time.

Words can only try to explain the haze, disappointment and regret of a moment. Words won't heal and I pray time does. Keeping faith in my integrity at this moment of weakness is hard, but needed. I never meant to be surprising. Slatro...

For we live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T14:17:00.000-08:00

It happened quick

2009-12-23T14:08:00.000-08:00

Cash ended up back in the Emergency Room with a one way ticket to the Pediatric ICU on Sunday. He seemed to be a little calmer than normal on Saturday, but his sats for the most part were good, only difference was that O2 was needed.

Sunday proved to be a completely different as Cash couldn't be weaned off of the vent. His Co2s and need for oxygen increased as the time marched on. My panic rose once Cash's sat monitor alarmed with a heart rate above 180 that climbed into the 200's. A call was placed with the doc and ER bound he was.

Cash has an x-ray in the ER which showed infiltrate in the right middle lobe and cloudiness in the lower left lobe. An x-ray the following morning proved to be worse and tobraymicin was started immediately. Luckily we caught this illness in time and Cash was discharged today.

We are happy to have Cash home during the holidays and look forward to celebrating Christmas with him safe at home.

My Chelsi Christmas

2009-12-21T15:03:00.000-08:00

Each year my girl friend and dear friend Chelsi, aka "My Chelsi" hosts an annual Christmas Dinner and White Elephant Gift exchange. It's a great way for us all to get together and share some holiday cheer.

Shannon, Tina, I, Chelsi & Marissa

My Fantastic Parents

Welcome Santa!

Kai telling Santa he would like Star Wars Lego's

My Chelsi and the kids!

It was a fantastic evening, and I feel extremely blessed to be apart of such a fantastic group of people. Love is the light of Christmas!

Dancing with Myself!

2009-12-19T00:58:00.000-08:00

There is one story and I will keep telling it. It's a story that plays out in my mind over and over, it goes on and on. It's laugh-out-loud funny, really heartwarming and a true testament of life. It is a collection of broken stories, little pieces of many stories that ultimately complete a Bridge of Dreams.

You see, I am the story.

I stand and look myself in the mirror. After my last blog entry and confession of tears I know that I stand looking at myself with sad eyes, feeling slightly discouraged. At times I stand here and feel completely alone, just as if I were standing in a room with a prop. The prop I realize is my reflection and it just confirms that I have somebody that will stand by ME!

Life this year has been, umm what's the word I am searching for...Everything!

What do you say to taking chances?

Chances were all I had this year. Chances were all I needed...It's never to late to take a chance! Life is a day by day process, one where you make positive gains, have irreversible slip ups, delightful moments shared with those you love and miraculously by the seat of your pants you make it by.

I feel warmth as I smile and to think I almost wrote off this year as a disaster! This year has been eye opening, an experience and at the end of the day everything. I turned thirty, am a single (kinda like that word) mother of three beautiful boys, have a great head on my shoulders (at least I think so) and have had true opportunities to be myself.

I thought sitting here writing this post would feel like a tragedy, but it doesn't feel anything like that at all. It's just a little broken piece of my story that has turned a busy chapter to an ending full of hope. The hope is a building block of a bridge that will lead me to my dreams. You can't always get what you want, if you did you wouldn't want anything. It's once you realize that maybe you got what you needed, instead of wanting; that you finally respect what was given to you.

So standing here alone, in a silent room with my prop I see new life behind tired eyes. It is 3 in the morning! Christmas is around the corner and a new year quickly approaches. Everything must go...great things continue, buried memories will resurface they always do, but I keep holding on! I still believe...I will make it through.

There is one story and I will keep telling it. A story that involves love, break out the tissue crying moments, laughter and booty shaking dances. This is my story and I will continue to tell it my way, never wanting to forget my moments...it is how I remember myself.

With the record selection
With the mirror reflection
I'm dancing with myself
When there's no-one else in sight

In the crowded lonely night

Well I wait so long

For my love vibration

And I'm dancing with myself

Oh dancing with myself

Well there's nothing to lose

And there's nothing to prove

I'll be dancing with myself

~Billy Idol

A Wide Range

2009-12-15T16:32:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been nothing short of a roller coaster in regards to the highs and lows of my emotions. My neck hairs stand on end and my teeth clench as I am beyond frustrated, exhausted and honestly just slightly sad.

I am moody, possibly due to the lack of sleep or anxiety that has taken hold of my soul. My days are great and my nights bring out my fear. The night presents quietness as the boys rest in their beds, the silence presents a pure moment of weakness where my mind begins to turn. Sometimes the turning leaves me spinning out of control, sometimes its a small gravitational pull where I fight to remain upright and in control.

I mentioned recently that I had read the book, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. I read this book when Cash was in the hospital. I found at times during reading this book that my life was so parallel in so many aspects, minus the cancer and the genetically perfect tube baby. My life though revolves around a sick child. I stopped my job, with no other choice at hand to care for this child. I fight daily to keep him healthy, to keep my life functioning and to hold the house together. Secretly I feel like a failure, I am drowning, my kids are suffering and I don't even know who I am.

After finishing the book I was compelled to rent the movie. I did this and knew it was beyond my better judgement than to do so. I knew the tears would fall; honestly I think I needed to face the anger, hurt and fears I protectively built walls around. As I watched this movie night ago I found myself sending a friend the following text..

ME: Watching My Sister's Keeper, it's so parallel to my life, I'm bawling! Hate to ever say this or admit it OR face it but life has been hard with Cash my <3 hurts!

RESPONSE: Haven't seen it. You OK?

ME: Yeah, I knew it would be a tear jerker...read the book. I usually don't open this door or ever share that I do. U just want the best for ur kids...I genetically gave Cash the worse or forgot to give him the most important the drive to breathe!! It hurts!

RESPONSE: Tracey stop.

ME: I'm not trying to start. It's the truth, the truth hurts! I'd do anything to make him "normal" or genetically complete.

You see since the moment my son was diagnosed with an issue, I have blamed my myself. It's not something I talk about over coffee, share with my family or even my closest friends. It's a guilt that lives within the walls of my heart, an anger that sometimes takes over my own will to breathe. It's an exhausting battle and the past few weeks have me left me on the losing end. I question when things will get better, yet know it "could be SO much worse"!

Cash lays on the boys' bed drinking his bottle before his evening nap. I continue to check over my shoulder making sure that he doesn't fall asleep. If he does his slumber will be quick as he is rushed into the room to be placed on the ventilator.

My life, that of the boys and of my family is so different than it once was. Days are planned out ahead of time, nothing spontaneous and always with tons to schlepp along. We have come together as a family and have prevailed, but at the same time I wonder if they have the same unspoken pain that I have shared tonight. No one wants to admit, let alone face the hurt, the frustrations and pain that has come our way in the past two years. We focus or try to focus on the positive, and truly believe that it will get better, but does it?

I cry tears of sadness but even more of joy! I am thankful for the help I have received, and ever so blessed with what I have been taught along the way. I have learned through all of this what true love really is...Love means caring for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be. What a wide range of EMOTIONS!

Half Days!

2009-12-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

After being mawled by both Beau and Cash this morning, I called my mom and asked her what to do with the boys today!?! Today is ANOTHER half day, do kids even go to school anymore? She suggested the park, the mall...it went on and on. All ideas would be great, if Cash weren't a walking petri dish!

So with no further words this is how we spent our afternoon...

In a car! Seriously kidding, but they were all so cute in their seats I couldn't resist. Cute means being GOOD! Quiet well behaved and charming!

"Mini" Moment

2009-12-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

There are times that the words just freely flow through me and others where the emotions hang on my fingertips. Today is an emotional day for me. One that I wish no mother to feel, one that I don't wish on anyone. My heart feels empty, my gut in a painful knot and every nerve inside of me is pinched. Its one of those mom feelings when you hope for the best, but feel like you have been hit with the worst. And frankly, it could be so much worse, it's just a hiccup in the routine that I have become familiar with.

Cash had a follow up appointment with the Neurologist from his seizure on October 30th. That day was more than a hiccup, it truly was a worst case scenario, one that you hope, pray and to be honest never actually think about, until it happens to you. His follow up resulted in Cash being on an anti-seizure med Keppra. Many think a new med, whats the BIG deal!?! To me this is huge, Cash is already on so many daily meds that I am lucky to get them all snuck in daily, adding another to the mix isn't just challenging, but makes me feel like a failure. As a parent you do everything you can to make sure that your child is healthy and happy. I have done everything I know how and once again a new med is given to keep him healthy. I have tried, and tried and here I sit bawling. There are just sometimes that I want the revolving door to end. I would take it all back to have a "normal" child. That thought in itself is a lie, so here I search for the truth.

They say God gives you what you can handle...well I am praying, actually begging for a break. I thank God daily for Cash, his beautiful smile and charming personality, but what about his health? What about my worry? Why? So many questions for just an ordinary day!

Cash lays resting peacefully on his vent, I hate that machine, but am so grateful that it keeps my baby alive. To love and hate something with so much intensity is amazing. The sound of the vent cycling is calming to my soul. It is like listening to the waves of an ocean breaking the surf. Yet at the same time its like nails on a chalk board, it makes my skin crawl and leaves a distaste in my mouth. Its the moment when I focus past the vent that I see the gift that I was given...

I dispise my moments of weakness, I am angry that I hurt and worst of all I am disappointed with my tears. Life has led me down a few bumpy roads, but I eventually found my way to sceneic routes. I know that many of us face struggles each and every day and I have so much to be thankful for like:

1. The Cardinals won last night and Cash and I looked great!

2. Cash has a CPT Vest now at home, this is actually more important than the Cardinal's victory!

3. It is raining in Arizona, it never rains here! Its cold, wet and beautiful!

Oh How We Danced!

2009-11-30T16:19:00.000-08:00

Beau is my little man who is so charming. He is so well behaved (when alone - there is always a clause), he is gentle with people and animals alike and has a giggle that brings happy tears to my eyes. Beau is simply a beau, he is a catch at 3 and as his mommy I couldn't be any more enamored! I am head over heels for this little boy!

Beau began preschool in October and is doing fantastic. Better than any of us could have imagined. He proudly sports his backpack every afternoon as we walk him to his class. Once his teacher Mr. Craig reaches the door Beau runs to him and greets him with a hug. This is simply amazing to witness and see daily. Not only has Beau opened his arms, but his vocabulary has soared. He says so much...his jargon has become almost comprehensible. It's in the rarest of moments that you catch him counting 3, 4, 5, 6...G, B, D as he recognizes letters. The thing about this is I know all the info is in there, it's just that he can't express it to me when I ask.

Today I had the radio playing and Beau walked up grabbed me by the hand and asked me to dance. I picked him up so fast and we began swaying and spinning all around the living room. His laughter filled the room and my soul with euphoria. The perfectness of Beau comes with his timings as the radio blurted...

There's only one thing to do

Three words for you I love you

There's only one way to say

Those three words and that's what I'll do I love you

I love you

You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

Plain White T's ~ 1,2,3,4

It was in this moment that I truly didn't care about the meaning of the song, but knew that the lyrics were written for a moment just like this. All I have ever wanted was to be able to give Beau all things bright and Beau-tiful! May a song be placed within your heart!

Giving Thanks

2009-11-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving was spent with the BEST company in the world, the family I love and truly adore. Weather here in AZ was beautiful, so much so that we were able to enjoy our Turkey feast on the patio.

What I am truly thankful for...

Having some place to go is HOME.

Having someone to love is FAMILY.

Having both is a BLESSING!

This year has blessed me in more ways than even imaginable. I am alive, I am at peace not only with myself but with my future. I haven't always been confident about what would lie ahead. It was once I realized to deal with the task at hand that my confidence soared. I can't predict the future, but I can pick the path for which I currently walk. I am blessed this year and have been for years. I am thankful for the choices I have made; good and bad...they have lead me to the path that I tread across today. I have a supportive family, amazing friends and three miracles that have taught me everything there truly is to know about love. What more could a girl ask for??

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Emerson

Friendships

2009-11-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

I had the most amazing time with my girlfriends last week, when we went and saw the opening premier of New Moon. It was a night filled with dinner, laughs and stories of our lives shared. Just another amazing event to add to our book of great memories. Tonight I am thankful for great friends!

I truly love these women.

Chelsi, I and Marissa ~ Cullen Family Supporters

Shannon & Tina ~ Running with a pack of wolves

Chelsi & I ~ Sporting Edward across our chest!

Tina & Marissa

Me & Shannon ~ Burn baby burn...inside joke!

Tina & Chelsi ~ What a great night!

Thankful!

2009-11-24T18:31:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is about God and thanking him for the gifts of life, love, joy and so much more. A time for family. An opportunity to reunite with loved ones and friends. A wonderful celebrated day to eat copious amounts of food without feeling guilty.

As a mother I want my children to be thankful and to truly appreciate all that has been given to them in their few short blessed years of life. Tonight, I asked Kai point blankly what he was thankful for...

Family

Toys

School

Food

Pillows

Room (NASCAR)

Friends

This Thanksgiving Day, let's remember what we truly have to be thankful for. Let's take a good, hard look around us and realize that while we may not have everything we want, what we want is not always what we need.

The Pilgrims first recognized that everything we have is a gift from God - even our sorrows. May we all take the time this Thursday to be thankful for the blessings we have all been given, even those that may still be in disguise.

My greatest blessing...

Sundays...

2009-11-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

Sundays in our home are devoted to family and Game Day!

We Bathe...

We Dress...

We play and spend our day as a family!

On a side note, today we met Shane to go get Kai a new Cardinals Jersey. One because he has been asking for a new one and two because Kai's class will be having a Cardinal's player and BIG RED coming to his class in December for a partnership with APS to read to the kids. Kai's teacher Mrs. Killman, signed up for this program two years ago...his class was just fortunate enough to be picked. This is an awesome opportunity for Kai and his classmates!

It was a beautiful day here in the Valley of the Sun, a beautiful weekend for that matter. It couldn't have been more beautiful.

Last but not least, Cash with a message...

Cards WIN!! Whooo HOO!

Midnight tonight!

2009-11-19T15:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight I have me-self a date with four of the most beautiful woman I know. I like millions of Robert Pattison and Twilight lovers will be watching New Moon. I have never confessed to being a Twilight lover, but literally spent two weeks out of my summer with my nose in the series of books.

I made my own little Cullen ~ Beau Cullen

I am a Vampire Girl and love Edward, have from the moment I saw him on Twilight! I am thrilled to spend a date night with my girlfriends. It's a moment this momma needs...Dinner, gossip and great looking men!

Not only are we seeing New Moon, but we get to see Edward in Twilight before the midnight showing. I will be drooling, but only because my celebrity crush Peter Facinelli, who plays Dr. Carlisle Cullen will be on the screen. I'm such a Twilight Nerd!

Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given.

All I can say is Dr. Carlisle Cullen can be Cash's doc any day of the week! Also, I'm disappointed in myself for the tan I achieved this summer. Not only did I fry my skin but I'm still too damn dark to be a Vamp! One thing I learned this summer - Love BITES!!

Hump-a-Half

2009-11-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

Half days for school children aren't quite as fun as I remember them to be from when I was a child. As a parent the day starts just the same as every other school day. In this household that means mom running in 5 different directions. Due mainly to my own doing...with facebook, tweets and text taking up too many individual moments of my time. Today was particularly busy, due to the fact that my friends and I resort to elementary school ways and wish one another a Happy Hump Day, knowing all the while none of us will be doing any humping! I chuckle out loud...

We run out the door to rush Kai off to school, it ends up with him running after his class. Luckily for me "Frankie" and his mom are late almost daily so Kai does a quick sprint to catch up with them for an escort into class. I deal with a bottle throwing, copper headed, tantrum throwing three year old named Beau who is absolutely irritated with the fact that he will not be joining Kai in school today. Special needs preschool is not in session during half days. See another reason plan and simple for a mom to loath half days!

Our morning was filled with appointments for Cash. We had the opportunity to meet his new DDD coordinator, who was awesome! Hannah from the DDD Vent Program came for reassessment. Overall, it was busy but productive morning. I made the decision to change Cash's health insurance. He has two months before the change will actually go into effect. This decision leaves me hesitant, actually more nervous than anything, but know that this move will be in the best interest of Cash and his medical needs. For 22 months I have been in a comfort zone, but that comfort zone has become complacent and with Cash complacent isn't an option. This last round in the PICU was enough to push me over the edge in regards to the change.

Before I knew it the morning was over and the reminder alarm to pick up Kai from school was sounding. I loaded the mini monsters in the car and back to the school we headed. The boys and I headed to Kohl's to pick up a gift for Ariana (Mike's gf's daughter). Kohl's was busy for a Wednesday! Figured I had missed out on a HUGE sale when reality sunk in and I realized that we are just a mere 37 days from Christmas! After battling the old, curious and plain bored we made our way to the destination of glowing princess dolls (oh how I love boys!). Lunch discussion quickly followed, when the phone rang and it was Uncle Mike.

We had the pleasure of spending a few afternoon hours with my baby brother. I miss my youth, just like I missed half days as a child. My brother, I and the boys wandered down rows of music as we shared our love for John Mayer and our absolute dismay of him choosing not to tour in AZ. With Kai's encouragement our day ended in line at McDonald's ordering happy meals to enjoy in the backyard at my parents place. So hear I am, a smile on my face as I appreciate the craziness of a half day. The laughter shared with three little boys, a rare moment with my brother and afternoon spent outdoors. Hope everyone enjoyed their Hump-a-Half day as much as I did!

Who says I can't be free
From all the things I used to be
Rewrite my history
Who says I cant be free

John Mayer ~ Who Says

Living in the moment

2009-11-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

Nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be. You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not know.

I was told yesterday that I think to much. This struck a chord with me, only because the statement was TRUE (also because of the source). I think way to much. My mind is never at a state of peace. I try to read the actions of those around me. That in itself only sets me up for despair because I am horrible and that is an understatement, when it comes to reading between the lines.

I am blunt and while I know my bluntness isn't always the most attractive thing, it leaves people the moment of wonder. What you see is what you get. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment. So off I run to the store today to buy some tape.

So here I am left with a everlasting burning sense of wonder. Day by day, thought by thought I embrace the ride of not knowing all the while just wanting to know. Wanting to know all the what if's. My nose crinkles at the thought of the wonderment, when in reality I am afraid to know. I enjoy the moments of nervousness when my body temperature rises, my neck turns red and my skin itches. The moment of wondering what is next to come. The moments of HOPE, moments of following my faith, the moments when your heart races...its in these moments I am grateful to not know, its then that I can truly feel.

Never anticipate a moment or a day in your life, instead learn to anticipate every moment and embrace everyday. Find greatness in everything and purpose in the hardest of times...

Definitely in my future...Cabo

A Story of Holland and a Mother

2009-11-14T04:57:00.000-08:00

I received these post once again on Facebook this morning from another mum Glenda, who resides in Ireland with her beautiful family and her son Joshua who has CCHS. Nancy another mom of a CCHS-er included Celebrating Holland. It couldn't have come at a better time. I may not know these individuals in real life, but they are a part of my heart and a family I never knew I would become a part of! Welcome to Holland!

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Celebrating Holland- I'm Home

By Cathy Anthony
(my follow-up to the original \Welcome to Holland\ by Emily Perl Kingsley)

I have been in Holland for over a decade now. It has become home. I have had time to catch my breath, to settle and adjust, to accept something different than I'd planned. I reflect back on those years of past when I had first landed in Holland. I remember clearly my shock, my fear, my anger, the pain and uncertainty. In those first few years, I tried to get back to Italy as planned, but Holland was where I was to stay. Today, I can say how far I have come on this unexpected journey. I have learned so much more. But, this too has been a journey of time.

I worked hard. I bought new guidebooks. I learned a new language and I slowly found my way around this new land. I have met others whose plans had changed like mine, and who could share my experience. We supported one another and some have become very special friends.

Some of these fellow travelers had been in Holland longer than I and were seasoned guides, assisting me along the way. Many have encouraged me. Many have taught me to open my eyes to the wonder and gifts to behold in this new land. I have discovered a community of caring. Holland wasn't so bad.

I think that Holland is used to wayward travelers like me and grew to become a land of hospitality, reaching out to welcome, to assist and to support newcomers like me in this new land. Over the years, I've wondered what life would have been like if I'd landed in Italy as planned. Would life have been easier? Would it have been as rewarding? Would I have learned some of the important lessons I hold today?

Sure, this journey has been more challenging and at times I would (and still do) stomp my feet and cry out in frustration and protest. And, yes, Holland is slower paced than Italy and less flashy than Italy, but this too has been an unexpected gift. I have learned to slow down in ways too and look closer at things, with a new appreciation for the remarkable beauty of Holland with its tulips, windmills and Rembrandts.

I have come to love Holland and call it Home.

I have become a world traveler and discovered that it doesn't matter where you land. What's more important is what you make of your journey and how you see and enjoy the very special, the very lovely, things that Holland, or any land, has to offer.

Yes, over a decade ago I landed in a place I hadn't planned. Yet I am thankful, for this destination has been richer than I could have imagined!

The Special Mother

Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect -she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive.

Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word". She will consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

Looking out..

2009-11-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

I have spent the better part of two weeks with my nose in a book, staring out a window or doing my best to entertain the unentertainable Cash. The books have me wanting, hoping and leaving me lost in a galaxy of thought. The window has reminded me of how quick a day turns into night. There are two dead birds that lay outside the window, these birds ended up costing me a few brain cells due to the fact that I have named them; "Chance" well he never had one which is where the name came from and then there is "Struck", he looks like he has been struck by lightning, the way his tail feathers craze out looking fried on the ends. The sun comes up and each morning I am cold and exhausted, the day creeps by with me hiding out in the room trying to provide Cash with anything he needs to keep him resting and preparing to bring him home!

Dead Bird "Struck"

I feel like life goes on so quickly as we sit here in the PICU, a new day begins and each night brings it to a quick and swift end. The past two weeks have proven my world to be shaky. The earth's axis wobbles. Life isn't nearly as stable as we want it to be. My son's health reminds me once again of how precious life can be. I sit in a hospital and have seen children come and go, wondering if they will get the opportunity to live out their dreams, or if this trip to the PICU leaves them just like the earth spinning on a wobbly axis.

I remember in grade school making a coat of arms. My coat consisted of 6 things, of those six I remember that I wanted to be a dentist. It was only years later that I learned Dentist had a high suicide rate (word of mouth fact) so I was no longer banking that to be my chosen profession. My girlfriends growing up clearly remember me wanting to be a MOM, not the dentist. Now that I am a mom, I know this is the job for me, the one I longed for just not with the pay I desire.

Being a mother is different. You want your child(ren) to have more than you had. This for me is a never ending challenge because in my eyes I had it all. I came from a loving home, with two amazing parents that had just enough structure to keep me grounded but enough trust to send me soaring. I was able to crash and burn and more importantly able to live and learn.

This hospital visit opened my eyes to the fact that Cash is so much apart of our lives that he plays a HUGE instrumental role. This isn't a role he was asked to play, but one given to him. I began to think this week that God may have chosen Cash for us and us for Cash. He knew the job I wanted to do more than anything in the world, and also knew that I needed these pregnant pauses in life to reflect.

You see life sometimes gets so bogged down in the details, you forget you are living it. I feel that I have been blessed with the opportunity to LIVE life. Cash was given a slight disadvantage with having CCHS, but was given a few extra doses of humor to take the edge off. He is the purest of all drugs, an intoxicating dosage that makes you forget the cycling breathes of the vent, the equipment or the freedom you once took for granted. He (Cash) is a drug I am so grateful to be addicted too!

I thought to myself during these two weeks that we never have children, we receive them! I am grateful for this gift, it is far better than never having these children at all! I have fears that I will wind up old, and alone. Being a single mother with 3 little boys, let alone two with unique needs can be challenging. I was dealt these cards and it took me awhile to get used to the hand that I had been dealt. It took time too realize that I also played the cards I was given. It was in my moment of being old and alone, that I realized my children were what made me the jewel I was always supposed to be. They opened up my the door to my soul and through them I was once again able to soar. The boys trust me to fly; to lead them just like my parents did through a life full of hope, promise, the ability to believe and the greatest of these to love! Looking out the window I no longer see dead birds, I see the sun behind the clouds, the trees blowing in the wind and I am ready to set off on flight!

With Cash under my wing...we head to no place other than our nest! Today we head HOME!

Thank you to those of you who took a moment out of your day to pray for my family. Thank you to those who kept me company during our stay, whether it be by visits, calls or texts. It's the simplest of moments that make the greatest memories. Thank you!

Fences

2009-11-11T13:10:00.000-08:00

On this visit to the PICU, my mom gave me the book, My Sister's Keeper. She warned that it was a tear jerker, the nurses have warned me too! As I began reading the book, I didn't find tears or even the urge to cry, but felt as if I walked along the same fence of the story being told, just simply without the aspect of Cancer involved.

I can't even really remember what it was like to hear a story about a mother with breast cancer or a baby born with congenital heart problems or any other burden, and to feel myself crack down the middle: half sympathetic, half grateful that my own family was safe. We have become that story, for everyone else. (p. 230)

This paragraph in the book hit home with me, it was exactly something I could see myself saying at any given moment, because it's exactly the way I feel that others may look at my life or my situation. I have said on numerous occasions that I am blessed, humbled and even grateful to be walking along the fence I do today. I have learned to appreciate life and the little things many seem to take for granted. I try to face each day with optimism. Yes, I get down who doesn't?? It's just that when that down moment passes, it's done! I can't change the path or the course I have already embarked, so the only logical course is just to move forward. The future has possibilities and choices, the past holds treasured memories but also moments of regret.

This has by far been one of the most challenging PICU stays of my life. Cash is on a ventilator when sleeping, his CCHS only effects him during moments of rest or in rare cases such as these an illness. Never before has Cash been ventilator dependent. Cash sprinted off of the vent today and was given oxygen while doing so. See in the hospital where we are at Cash resides in the PICU simply because of the vent! He can't float down to the Peds floor because they can't accurately care for a vented patient. So this is where the problem begins...the PICU Dr. doesn't feel Cash is sick enough to stay on the PICU floor, but there is no where for him to go other than a group facility or home. We all know a facility is not an option in Cash's cards, I would literally have to die before he would be sent to a step down facility. AND not because I don't want him there, but simply because I can't be away from my child again...The first 90 days of his life where absolute Hell.

Cash was weaned to the LTV yesterday and while napping began to desat. The Pulmonologist on call ordered him a steroid and informed me that today would be our day of discharge. I apprehensive just due to Cash's new state simply and nervously said, "Ok". There wasn't much more to be said. My mom gut was in knots because while I know Cash can be cared for at home, I simply know taking him home right now isn't the right thing...he just isn't ready. Never before have I taken Cash home on 3 liters of Oxygen, not drinking formula or vent dependent!

Last night with Cash was challenging, he began to desat even lower and his oxygen was increased to 50%. I was surprised by the move considering, we were to be going home. The Dr. on last night felt it was in Cash's best interest to get to his baseline before heading home. This shocked me, because in the past this Dr has hurried us out the door. I once again felt hope, not anger or resentment that had once been flowing through my veins earlier in the day.

This morning after rounds I was informed by his nurse that the Dr. on this morning was once again planning for discharge. My head at this point is cursing. I am being thrashed in several different directions and I want off of this ride. I want to throw my hands up and walk. Cash is wired, bouncing all over his bed, kicking me, hitting me and screaming. My dad walks up and I am forever grateful...all I want to do is shower. In the shower no one can tell if you cry, it just washes away. As I turn off the water I hear the voice of my or rather Cash's Pulmonologist...I seriously heart her. She listens to me, she supports me. I rush to dress and run out of the bathroom and beg to go home. She looks at me blankly, my voice cracks as I begin to say..."they are pushing me out...what choice do I have??"

My kid is out of control; thanks to the steroid he was given yesterday! I begin to explain that I'm sick of the steroids, the drugs and at this point am seriously considering walking away. The Pulmonologist in the practice we see are Ying and Yang. I like the Ying, but am tired of the Yang. My Ying listened, agreed and understood. So here we sit still in the PICU. Yes they want us gone, but with no where for us to go we stay. I hide in my loft the curtain drawn and exhausted from the fight. I care for my son and agree that he is no longer critical, but that doesn't mean I am not scared. My son is one of those children you pray does not get H1N1 and here I sit almost a month after diagnosis still fighting it. Kai asks almost daily if his brother is going to die. I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind last week. I am positive that we will be home but just not until the time is right for Cash and I.

Sitting on a fence...I do this a lot. I question decisions I have presented too me. What is in the best interest of those involved. The decisions I make today aren't to benefit me or put me ahead, but rather to bring two parties together. I have had a lot of help along the way and haven't gotten to where I am today all alone. Sometimes you have to get up and walk the fence. You may need a hand to hold, or the encouragement to take a chance you might not normally take. It's the moment though of walking the fence that I enjoy...you see the world a little clearer, you feel the anxiety of mixed emotions and ultimately no matter what choice you make, an outcome awaits! Hopefully it's just as good as what was envisioned!

A Jewel Reflection

2009-11-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

Today as I was driving back to the hospital after dropping Beau off at preschool, my mind began to race. Its these moments with the windows rolled down, my hair blowing in my face and with a radio just a tad to loud, that I have a remarkable moment of self reflection.

The how did I get here thought passes through my head...

When sky blue gets dark enough

To see the colors of the city light

A trail of ruby red and diamond white

Hits her like a sunrise

She comes and goes and comes and goes

Like no one can

-john mayer, NEON

I remember this past summer when I was packing up my belongings the first thing I packed was my beloved red dishes. I chuckle at the thought. I wanted nothing more than to have my Candy Apple red place settings...oh and my retro toaster. These are items that I picked just for me a symbolism of Tracey that I wasn't giving away or leaving behind. I didn't care about the TV, the couch or the other BIG items within the home. I wanted my kitchen, the center of the home.

Why the dishes or the toaster popped in my head was beyond me, here were materialistic items that meant nothing to anyone other than me. The dishes and toaster were decisions I had made, confident and secure decisions. I feel in love with these decisions! Who wouldn't...

Just like the dishes and the toaster I am confident that I have made some bad decisions along the way. Decisions that not only hurt myself, but those around me. I never intended any harm, but was in a moment of selfishness. Where I only thought of Tracey. I needed those moments to truly grow, to hurt, to feel....they helped me to be able to understand where I am today.

I am no better than my neighbor, or the family sitting across the hall from me in the PICU. We all walk in shoes, with trashed up soles. The moment your feet hit the pavement the newness is gone. You can polish a pair of shoes as much as you'd like, but they are never again fresh and just out of box. I am like a pair of trashy soles. I have scars and wounds and find that many of those wounds have healed rather nicely considering the pain that may have been inflected.

Appreciation flows from my heart as many of you have encouraged me, guided me and stood beside me while I inflected pain upon not only myself but those that supported me. I am apologetic, but am proud of the person I have become. Just like the Candy Apple red dishes and the toaster...I am confident being me. They just symbolize moments of confidence within in me.

A jewel's just a rock put under enormous heat and pressure. Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look.

It took time but today I admired the color of the jewel I have become...one of my moments of self reflection! I have been an ugly, ugly rock, but hidden within are bits and pieces that are every bit unique.

Say what you need to say...

2009-11-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

"I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions"

- Doris Day

In the hospital you are told one thing, but actions show another. Repeatedly I have been told Cash's lungs sound good, only for the next Nurse, Dr. or Respiratory Therapist to walk in and tell me just the opposite. It is only a given as to how bad he actually may truly sound once Tobramycin is ordered. They are calling in the big guns (antibiotics) to try and help treat the issues at hand.

The life I live in is day by day, with good intentions I RSVP to BBQ's, parties and functions for the kids. However, my day by day life changes just as quickly as the rising sun. When Cash gets hospitalized everything goes out the door. Our plans are cancelled and we all feel that tinge of missing out.

With that being said, I want to apologize to my friends for being absent on so many occasions. I know heartfully that no apology is needed but I want you all to truly know I miss the times I have been absent. I miss your laughs, the jokes we share and the dumb stories I have for the week. With the apology also comes a Thank You! You all are truly the family I have chosen for the boys and myself. I would be lost with out the memories we have created and empty without your support.

I know at times I am at a loss for words on how to Thank You or on how to describe the way I feel regarding my situation and or life that I have been given. My silence is part of my hurt, cause when am I ever at a loss for words??

The Girls -

Tina, Chelsi, Marissa, I (prego w Cash) & Shannon

Marissa: Thank you for being the one I call when I simply just need to cry. You listen, always ask what you can do without realizing you already did just what I needed; you lent an ear. Your the first one to show up at the door with a shovel in hand ready to bury whoever brought on the tears! (Haha)

Tina: Thank you for checking on us daily, for visiting and talking about LIFE outside of the hospital, and for your HUGS! P.S. I still don't like to be touched, trying to change that! We have grown together and even though I have moved away, I moved into your heart!

Chelsi: You are always funtastic! Thank you for late night ice cream, candies and cocoa/coffee runs. You mean the world to me and the boys...you will forever be our and mine "My Chelsi". Thank you for always encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone and to take a chance...some chances are worth taking!

Shannon: You feel me with laughter, simply because I know I can make you laugh and you easily can have me in tears. I think you for your support and well wishes. Your honesty is pure and appreciated. Thank you for always being around, you are like a comfy, cute pair of heels!

Contact Isolation

Shawn: You are AMAZING! You are truly a great friend, a man that walks beside me and encourages me from near and far. Your belief in me the past few months has been a breath of fresh air. Thank you for reminding me how strong I can be in moments of weakness, Thank you for visiting me in the my Loft (hospital) too many times to count. It's a quarter after one!

My Family: My family gives me wealth beyond measure. They are the solid, supportive and the unconditional love we all desire. I am blessed beyond words with a support system as great as mine. We may be a family tree full of nuts, but we make a great pecan pie! Simply Divine!

I value honesty, compassion, hard work and determination. I am reminded by those closest to me and those within heart to stay strong. My strength comes from my FAITH and the prayers sent our way. I just hope my actions speak LOUDER than any of my words!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;

Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,

And with my song I will praise him.

Psalm 28:7

Ding...Ding...Ding

2009-11-07T20:17:00.000-08:00

Ding...ding...ding...

The constant sound of the alarms of the hospital consume my thoughts. I can't think clearly as the ding kills a few brain cells. Over and over, every other second...I find myself going crazy. Crazy enough that I sit here and blog about it. Toy Story plays on repeat on the TV, at this point I wish Buzz Lightyear and the Star Commander will save me from the ding!

Cash is resting peacefully, his distaste for his surroundings is evident each time he awakens. He squeaks or musters out a "Maw", each time I roll off of my make shift of a bed and run to his side. I want so badly to snuggle him, to hold his delicate body up against mine like I used to in the NICU. Warm him with my touch, secure him in my arms and feel our hearts beat against one another. I long to hold my child.

While I long to cure, heal and protect Cash...I ache for Beau and Kai. I miss my boys; their laughter, their voices, their screams. I ache for my home. I left Cash this afternoon and retreated home. I sat on the couch and talked to Kai, we chatted about his day, the toys his Papa had bought for him and about what he ate for lunch. I played with his feet, gently rubbing the bottoms of his feet just the way he likes it. I hugged him and breathed in the sweet smell that only Kai seems to have...Its the sweetest smell I have ever smelled and it truly is unique to Kai. A smell of sugar, honey and a touch of musk. I can smell him now.

Beau hid from me at first, I couldn't blame him. In the eyes of my three year old I have abandoned him, just like others have done. I the one person who has remained consistent to him has been gone for a week. My eyes weld up with tears as I approached him, I softly put my arms around his waste and lifted him into my arms. I have missed him and his flirty eyes. He is simply my all. Beau holds my heart in his hands, and tears rolled down my cheek as he gently kissed my lips...I have missed my boy!

The hospital is filled with the sick, the dying and those fighting to heal. Its swarms with healthy ones in search of those they love. The elevators always give you a glimpse into the lives of others. I stare at shoes, wondering where they have walked, always trying to avoid eye contact with others. I feel eyes on me as I exit the elevator on the fourth floor to the sign of the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit...my home away from home. Once inside the doors to the PICU I enter Cash's room, draw the curtain and sink into my make shift bed. I am tired and would so rather be anywhere but here. I look out the window and dream of the sun upon my face. Ding...ding...ding.

The sound of the alarms return, my thoughts suddenly escape me as I realize now that I am rambling about living inside of the hospital just like Frank the mouse that lives within my dreams. I dream of Frank the mouse almost nightly a story building within my dream...he is fast, knows the ends and outs of the floor.

Sweet Dreams Frank!

Fears

2009-11-07T15:51:00.000-08:00

I fear things I can’t control.

-Noun

the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command: Who's in control here?

I live in a world where my fear could control me. At times I feel like I have the world at my finger tips. Most times I am swimming in a pool of sharks. Wondering, hoping and ultimately praying that I can come out unbitten let alone alive.

Most of my control issues involve my children, their health, their well being and their happiness. I can only do so much to protect them of our germ infested environment called Earth. Lysol, Bleach and disinfectant has become my friend. Yet, at the same time I have to let the boys be boys. They need to play in the dirt, the mud, the outdoors and most certainly with their friends.

My BIGGEST control issue, is the inability to control my fears. My fears over my feelings, the sights of things that simply just freak me out and the worst of all is not believing in myself. I am a strong woman, at times overly confident, but I still have fears.

I am guarded. I put a foot in and most times pull back and walk two feet back. I fear being hurt, I fear my children being hurt. I have a tough exterior and those who know me best would describe me as a turtle. Slow, steady and comfortable in my shell. Once intimidated I hide, I retreat and walls build even higher than they may already be. At times I feel like I am always running, going through the motions of an ordinary life everyday.

I desperately want to change my fear of control. I want to feel…Lately, I find myself repeating that it’s better to hurt, than to feel nothing at all. I want my boys to feel, not to be smothered by their fearful mother. Some of my fears are ridiculous, like my absolute distaste for crickets. Their hard ugly bodies and chirp send me squirming. My skin crawls with the thought that they even exist…they probably feel the same towards me and the broom I chase after them with. I breathe a little quicker when I see a yellow Med Vac Helicopter, it reminds me of the moment Cash was lifted away from me and ultimately the moment my course of life changed. I am grateful for the ride and care Cash received, but still fear the helicopter and my heart hurts seeing them, or wondering about the pain someone else is experiencing because of their loved one being in one.

We all fear, Thursday I feared being readmitted to the hospital (Cash is back in the PICU at St. Joe's). Where as today I fear my son and his unknown diagnosis, the low body temperature, the way he sweats profusely only from the head. I fear that he has now gone close to 56 hours without taking a bottle…I feared the men in white suits (Infectious Disease Control), who actually weren’t in white suits, but another Dr. dressed in a casual button downed blue shirt and khakis.

“Some people are afraid of what they might find it they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once again the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.” ~Tori Amos

Today I bleed…

Humbling...

2009-11-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

The love for my children is never ending. I pride myself on being a good mom. I just never knew that being a mom meant having to endure such heartache for your children. You hurt when they hurt. You so badly would give your very last breath to take away even just an ounce of pain, a feeling of anxiety…you would and try to give them the world. However, the world to a child is a touch, a comforting familiar voice and the constant support of just being there.

On Friday, October 30th my love for my child hurt, hurt more than I have ever hurt before. Cash had a seizure. I fell into a moment of despair, tears filled my eyes as I begged God to answer me why…"Why Cash?" I was angry and so very scared. When was God or someone just going to give me a break, give me a chance just to breathe.

Our home, our comfort zone became a war zone. Firefighters, Paramedics and Police rushed in an out of our door as we all just stood back and continue to watch Cash seize. All I saw was my child go from convulsing to as stiff as a board. Once again, my life with Cash was standing still on a moment. Oh how badly I wanted to just take the pain away, I wanted to be the one laying there on that floor.

Today, we are home and our lives have changed. Cash’s life has changed. My playful, carefree baby is momentarily vent dependent. He has fevers that come on so quick and strong. I hover over his bed, watching him…anticipating a seizure, but HOPING for the BEST! Cash doesn’t want to walk, for when he does he tumbles over, tripping over his new unfound coordination. He is no longer sure of the ground beneath him. He is comforted only by his bed, where he remains.

The past few days brought out anger, love and believe. I was and am still a little angry that Cash can’t get a break. I am angry that my son has to fight, he spends his youth fighting every day! I spend his youth praying, obsessing and begging for him to be able to catch a break. I try to remain positive, I feel negative energy just drags not only me but him down too. I try to remain strong, but I break, tears flow and I the one that hates to be hugged just needs to be held. The hospital is so great to us. In those walls we have been blessed to be apart of some amazing lives. People visit on their lunch breaks, complement me on a job well done and dote over how beautiful Cash is, with his beautiful big brown eyes, and the cutest most beautiful lips known to man. With each fight my Faith guides me to believe, to believe that God is with us and will guide us through.

"I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the LORD your God, am with you in all you do." Joshua 1:9

I am forever grateful and blessed with an excellent support system. My parents help in so many ways, changing work schedules to help with the boys, coming to the hospital to watch Cash so I can shower. My friends visit for a chat, a meal or just a walk away from his room. Those little moments mean the world to me. In my moments of weakness it’s my friends and family who remind me of my strength. At times I can’t fathom as to why I find my life as hectic as it is so beautiful. Then I remember that I was given a gift. Not a gift of a child with special needs, but the gift of being humbled. Through my children, I have learned to appreciate the sighting of the airplane in the sky. The feeling of appreciating the warmth of the sun, I now see a colorful and vibrant world. The colors are remarkable, the smells earthshaking and the sounds are the greatest masterpieces every written.

The love for my children is never ending. I am proud to be a mom and blessed to be the mother of three wonderful little boys! I believe in Miracles, and they are the reason!

Well check...almost

2009-10-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Beau turned 3 earlier this month. He no longer is a chunky little toddler but a thinning handsome little man. His vocabulary is growing just like his hair...fast and furious! Beau has a head full of copper colored tresses that are spiked in every which direction. His locks fit his fiery personality!

Today Beau had his 3 year well check. His anxiety sparked as the Physicians Assistant walked into the room, I absolutely loved her bedside manner. She was extremely patient with Beau and would allow me to calm him as needed. She voiced concerns regarding Beau's weight and height which were once at the 75 percentile and have now dropped in to the 10th percentile. She questioned me regarding his diet and those with children on the spectrum know that diets aren't always the most fabulous for our fantastic children. Towards the end she began to check Beau's reflexes and nothing...over and over again not a movement was made. As she went from the knee to the back of the ankle and onto the elbow. I like a typical mom, with rising anxiety began to make excuses...voicing that he has always been slightly low toned and is receiving OT and PT weekly within the home. She finished her assessment and told me that Dr. Maitra would be with us shortly.

I honestly rolled my eyes, here I was in a tiny office trying to entertain 3 kids who had been waiting as patiently as they knew how. I knew something was coming, but I just wasn't sure as to what. I had a moment of, "why me...why my kids...I'm like a magnet for kid related issues!"

Dr. Maitra walked in and asked if Beau was still taking his iron supplements...Ummm no I switched him to a multi vitamin with Iron. Iron in high doses isn't great, talk about rotting teeth. He explained that he would like to get some blood work done to rule out a couple of things...voiced concerns regarding his reflexes and his coloring. Stating that Beau was "white", obviously doesn't take a medical degree to figure that out! Ok, back on track that he was concerned with Beau and his paleness, I once again nervously joked that Vampires were the "in" thing right now and he was just paler than the rest of us!

My little Edward Cullen

A flu shot, and lab slips later we walked out the door. Like true Tracey style...I threw in the towel and drove the boys to a Pumpkin Patch. It's been a rough month with Kai and Cash battling H1N1, my dad had heart issues and was hospitalized and I wasn't taking 3 already impatient children for a blood draw by myself!

The boys loved the Pumpkin Patch and had the opportunity to play with my girl friend Brandee's son Branson. Auntie Megs, Vince and the kids joined us too. It was exactly what we all needed a break! We lost ourselves in a corn maze, the boys took a train ride and wandered through the pumpkin patch. Cash loved the billy goats, Kai the pigs and Beau the birds (chicken). It was time to go once Kai asked me to count my money to buy the pig and when Beau said he "needed" da bird!

Kai and Branson

Train Ride

Auntie Megs and I

Cash's 1st Pumpkin Patch

Beau, Kai, Tayler, Jayden & Cash

He loved this pumpkin!

Pumpkin Picking...

My Crazy FUN Life!!

Meltdown over da "bird"

I love fall and love sharing the fall with the boys. Arizona is chilly today the temperature dropped 20 degrees already this week. The boys and I ended our FUN-tastic day snuggled up on their bed taking a late afternoon nap!

Change in direction...

2009-10-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,

but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

~M. Robinson

Change is inevitable, many fear change and a new sense of direction. Our minds get cloudy with painstaking questions if the change is going to be beneficial to our current lives and needs. I simply avoided a change. Yet, change found me laying pool side this summer and came rolling in like the AZ Monsoon's.

My storm of change flattened my home, and left me with fewer possessions than I once had called my own. Yet, that storm brought on a chance for a change in a new direction. The thought of a new direction brought out new anxieties, fears...but also blessed me with a breath of fresh air. A change awaited me leaving me with memories that were merely just moments in time. Moments that I experienced, some worth treasuring and others better off burying.

As time goes by and days pass with each rising moon, I find myself blessed to be hit by a storm of change. The storm might have knocked me down, but I always rose to my feet. Change brings on new stresses but often times alleviates the ones we were already avoiding.

Change has given me laughter, new friendships and has brought me home. That's not to say that change also didn't give me moments of despair, heart ache and the fear of being alone. I embraced this change, searched to fine "me" and with a little help along the way began to believe. Believe in the endless possibilities of dreaming, the finest moments of sharing, the thought of trusting and gave me the gift of embracing anticipation as I await and experience endless possibilities!

My life is now celebrated by small victories, enjoying the moments and tiny steps along the way. I no longer fear change I welcome it because I appreciate what lies at hand and am ever so anxious to see what lies ahead. I have learned to live for those that love me to live for those with whom I love. I am blessed with three little men who run wild and free. Their laughter can change any tense situation, their screeches leave me looking for ear plugs and their small touches melt my heart. It is through these three little men that I clearly see, hear and feel that life is about enjoying the littlest things. Simply put happiness is homemade! I am blessed to be HOME and with my FAMILY!

Cherish your family for they are your treasure.

A story house of riches...wealth beyond measure!

3 Little Men Update:

Kai started Kindergarten and is doing amazing, having a slight issue in writing because he couldn't choose a hand to write with, because he does so well with both...talk about a flexible little man.

Beau started preschool four days a week and continues to receives OT, ST and PT. His language skills are remarkable and we are now enjoying four to five word sentences formations. He is an absolute joy...his smile gets bigger and BiGgEr every day!

Cash, where to begin with Cash. All toddler and feisty as can be, my challenge at the moment. I knew it would come and so looked forward to the day. He is the one that has me searching for ear plugs as he screechs louder than any trached kid I know of...music to a proud mommy's ears!

Cash has battled H1N1 and Kai is down as we speak. So our house has been full of meds and Lysol! In our home pigs really do fly!